Off Topic Jokes thread

  • Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
  • Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!
  • Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!"
  • The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?"
  • Douglas replied, "The same place you got that f*cking train!"
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
Teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you tomorrow?"
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


One student said to his friend: “I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."


The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,"Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

***********************************************************************************
At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story

***********************************************************************************
At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 28
You don't need to tell her a story
To take her to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

***********************************************************************************
At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story

***********************************************************************************
At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

***********************************************************************************
At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

***********************************************************************************

According to the
Office for National Statistics

190,374
People are having sex right now

212,130
Are kissing

And one poor old fart
Is reading emails

You hang in there Matey !!
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
  • A worried farther confronted his daughter one night.
  • "I don"t like your new boyfriend, he"s rough, he"s common, and f*cking stupid too.
  • "The daughter replied,
  • "Oh no daddy, Fred"s ever so clever.
  • We"ve only been going out nine weeks, and he"s already cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
  • How come a securicor cash delivery van carrying maybe 70,000 quid is armoured with plated steel and the driver wears a stab proof vest and a protective helmet,
  • when a fuel tanker driver carrying petrol worth 200,000 quid has nothing to defend himself with apart from a rolled up porno mag.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back