Off Topic Jokes thread

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As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Trump strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on
towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;
all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever
heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the
carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but,
the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump:
"Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."
 
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I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite.

I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle.

Knowing that I was well in, I leant forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest.

I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint.

With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble.

Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said,

"You've ruined my f*cking KFC."
 
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My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.”

I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest man ever.

She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”

I said, “Pack your bags and f*ck off.”
 
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband"s occupation.
"He"s a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn"t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she"d first married a banker when she was in her early 20"s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40"s, later on a preacher when in her 60"s, and now in her 80"s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

I know *groan*
 
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Three convicts were on their way to prison.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "John Constable of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"
He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skiing, roller-skating......"
 
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