Off Topic Jokes thread

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An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains.
As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver,
"I have a dead p*ssy."
The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."
 
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A tourist is walking through the red light district in Amsterdam when he sees a fine looking lady.
He approaches her and taps on the window.
"How Much?", he asks.
"1000 euros", the woman replies.
"Wow, thats quite a lot isn"t it?"
"Yes. Well it is double-glazed."
 
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A blond decides to go ice fishing.
So she cuts a hole in the ice and sets up her stool when a voice booms from the heavens,
"There are no fish under that ice."
She moves her stool over ten feet and cuts another hole.
Again, a voice says, ""There are no fish under that ice!"
"Is that you God?" the blond asks.
"No. This is the manager of the ice rink."
 
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Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about
his pregnant wife, but accidently called the cricket stadium.
He asks, “Hows the situation?”
He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.
They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!"
 
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