Off Topic Jokes thread

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Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying "Interviews for deaf people only".
Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door".
He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you"re not deaf at all. get out".
Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don"t shut the door. Mick goes into the room and the
interviewer says "Shut the door" and mick replies "Shut it yerself!!!!"
 
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My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?" I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Dave, I'm already on my 4th can of lager."

"I don't fu*king believe you!" He shouted. "Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Dave, isn't this my 4th can?"
 
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies: "yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."
 
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a fu*king chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.
 
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A man is being shown around a latex factory.
First of all he is shown the machine that makes baby bottle tits.
The machine makes the sound: hiss, pop, hiss, pop.
Now, the hissing noise is the latex being poured into the moulds, and the popping noise is the hole being put into the end of the tit.
Next he is shown the machine that makes condoms.
The machine makes the noise: hiss, hiss, hiss, pop, so the man says, "hang on a minute, I know that the hissing sound is latex being poured into the mould, but I can hear a popping noise."
The manager of the factory says, "yes, sir, after every four condoms, we put a hole in one."
"F*cking hell," the bloke says "that can"t be very good for the condom industry!"
"No," said the manager, "but it"s f*cking brilliant for the baby bottle tit business."
 
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A SWEET ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:




“Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.

You’ve taken –

My favourite actor, Patrick Macnee

My favourite horror actor, Christopher Lee

My favourite comedian, Robin Williams

My favourite singers, Cilla Black, Joe Cocker and David Bowie

My favourite author, Tom Clancy

And finally, my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan.

So Lord, I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:

Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Jacob Zuma, and that stupid loud mouth cow from Scotland
 
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