Off Topic Jokes thread
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A black guy gets invited to a fancy dress party. Needing an outfit, he goes to a costume shop.He asks a female assistant for help.
"I need a costume for a party, please.""Okay, sir, how about this?" says the assistant, presenting the black man with a Father Christmas suit.
"Don"t be stupid, I"m not going as a black Santa!" replies the black man.
"Okay, well how about this one then?" She shows the black man a fluffy white snowman costume.
"No! I"m not going as snowman either! I"m black! Don"t you understand?" shouts the rather annoyed black man.
"Fine!" says the assistant as she hands the black man a plank of wood.
"What the f*ck am I supposed to do with this?" he asks."Stick it up your a*se and go as a choc ice!"
"I need a costume for a party, please.""Okay, sir, how about this?" says the assistant, presenting the black man with a Father Christmas suit.
"Don"t be stupid, I"m not going as a black Santa!" replies the black man.
"Okay, well how about this one then?" She shows the black man a fluffy white snowman costume.
"No! I"m not going as snowman either! I"m black! Don"t you understand?" shouts the rather annoyed black man.
"Fine!" says the assistant as she hands the black man a plank of wood.
"What the f*ck am I supposed to do with this?" he asks."Stick it up your a*se and go as a choc ice!"
I"ve recently started dating a girl, though she"s not from the UK.
I find it adorable the way she stumbles around even the most basic English words, mispronounces words in a way which sounds ridiculous, and when she does get things right her accent makes it incredibly cute.
I"d recommend dating an American to anyone!
I find it adorable the way she stumbles around even the most basic English words, mispronounces words in a way which sounds ridiculous, and when she does get things right her accent makes it incredibly cute.
I"d recommend dating an American to anyone!
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He"d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their Daughter"s" date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father"s nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That"s so wonderful! Isn"t he smart? What do you think he"s going to bewhen he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
He"d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their Daughter"s" date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father"s nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That"s so wonderful! Isn"t he smart? What do you think he"s going to bewhen he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
Because of the hot weather over the next few days my boss has said we can bring shorts in.
Jack Daniels it is then!
Jack Daniels it is then!
My son suggested I register to become an organ donor.
There's a boy after my own heart!
There's a boy after my own heart!
After insulting her food once too often, the wife's not cooking for me tonight.
Well, either that or the smoke alarm's fu*ked.
Well, either that or the smoke alarm's fu*ked.
I bought a Dire Straits album yesterday. When I got it home the box was empty!
It was money for nothing!
It was money for nothing!
I'm opening a gym today that teaches people power walking and door knocking.
I'm calling it, 'Jehovah's Fitness'.
I'm calling it, 'Jehovah's Fitness'.
There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."
Bloody Foreigner.......
Bloody Foreigner.......
I've just applied to take part in an adult movie.
The advert says that male applicants must be bigger than 7 inches.
I should be fine then, I'm 5ft 11.
The advert says that male applicants must be bigger than 7 inches.
I should be fine then, I'm 5ft 11.
Congratulations to my friend Debbie on her third promotion this year..............I don't know how she does it!
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I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say, "Oh packing fudge are we?"
Or "Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.
I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
Or "Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.
I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it"s about time we started swearing."
The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says,
"when we go downstairs for breakfast, I"m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?""Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I don"t know, I suppose I"ll have some Coco Pops."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
""I don"t know," he blubbers, "but it won"t be f*cking Coco Pops!"
"You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it"s about time we started swearing."
The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says,
"when we go downstairs for breakfast, I"m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?""Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I don"t know, I suppose I"ll have some Coco Pops."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
""I don"t know," he blubbers, "but it won"t be f*cking Coco Pops!"
A priest fell over this cliff, and was hanging on with his fingertips, and he looked up and said, "Lord, can you help me?"
And a voice said, "Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God."
And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can f*ckin" help me?"
And a voice said, "Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God."
And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can f*ckin" help me?"