Off Topic Jokes thread
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ITV1+1 TV channel - So that people on benefits don't have to get up so early to watch Jeremy Kyle.
Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:
"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"
Young Paddy raises his hand and says, "Trudy Glenn Miss”.
"No Paddy ," says the teacher. "The answer is Maid Marion."
But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,
"Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn."
"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"
Young Paddy raises his hand and says, "Trudy Glenn Miss”.
"No Paddy ," says the teacher. "The answer is Maid Marion."
But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,
"Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn."
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets..............
A black guy dies and goes to heaven.
At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter.
St Peter says, "heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something amazing.
Have you ever done anything amazing?".
The black guy says, "in fact I have. I f*cked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Klu Klux Klan."
"Wow," says St Peter, "that is amazing! When was that?"
To which the black guy replies, "oh, about five minutes ago"
At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter.
St Peter says, "heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something amazing.
Have you ever done anything amazing?".
The black guy says, "in fact I have. I f*cked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Klu Klux Klan."
"Wow," says St Peter, "that is amazing! When was that?"
To which the black guy replies, "oh, about five minutes ago"
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said,
"For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said,
"For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said,
"I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator.
This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go f*ck herself!"
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said,
"For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said,
"For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said,
"I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator.
This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go f*ck herself!"
The 2012 Olympics in London were an amazing cultural experience.
Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans -
all of whom will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.
Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans -
all of whom will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.
THE PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER..
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never be late...
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never be late...
The mother of a 7 year old muslim boy from Oldham who was kidnapped and taken to Syria to fight for Isis has made an emotional appeal.
Can someone please cover his shift in the shop this weekend?
Can someone please cover his shift in the shop this weekend?
There was a lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gipsy and told her about her problem.
The gipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said, "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle Penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you."
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great.
That is until her husband walks in and he shouts, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
The woman says, "It's a pickled penis."
Unfortunately her husband replied. "PICKLE PENIS MY A*SE!!!"
The gipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said, "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle Penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you."
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great.
That is until her husband walks in and he shouts, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
The woman says, "It's a pickled penis."
Unfortunately her husband replied. "PICKLE PENIS MY A*SE!!!"
Three Irishmen are sat in a pub. Mick says, "Women are so stupid. My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!"
Seamus says, "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!"
Paddy says,"That's feck all. My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"
Seamus says, "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!"
Paddy says,"That's feck all. My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"
I"ve recently been encouraging my sixteen year old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
Last week she came home with five applications,and later that night I read them.
Under "previous employment", she listed "baby sitter".
Under "reason for leaving" she wrote,"they came home".
Last week she came home with five applications,and later that night I read them.
Under "previous employment", she listed "baby sitter".
Under "reason for leaving" she wrote,"they came home".