When the Princess had a child they fired a 21 gun salute.
When the nun had a child they fired a dirty old Canon.
When the nun had a child they fired a dirty old Canon.
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
-
Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
-
Just been on a dieting website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?
Is that a trick question?
They're a bit racist in London aren't they?
I just saw 200 white blokes chasing a black guy over Tower Bridge.
I just saw 200 white blokes chasing a black guy over Tower Bridge.
In recent times it's been suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but since all the doctors are now Muslim I find bacon works better.
A woman and a baby are in a doctor"s surgery, where the doctor is concerned about the baby"s weight.
"Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor.
The woman replies, "breast".
With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"
The woman replies, "I know, I"m his Nan - but I"m glad I came."
"Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor.
The woman replies, "breast".
With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"
The woman replies, "I know, I"m his Nan - but I"m glad I came."
A man goes into a bar and approaches a gorgeous young woman who is sitting by herself:
Man: "May I buy you a drink?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Im sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Woman: "No, they just open..."
Man: "May I buy you a drink?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Im sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Woman: "No, they just open..."
What"s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It"s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
It"s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Women always say, "They love a man in uniform", but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit, nobody talks to me
We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.
She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird sh*t and you can't understand a word they say."
So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.
She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird sh*t and you can't understand a word they say."
So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."
One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."
I could smell the cooking from my Korean neighbours house today.
I knocked on the door and said, "Your wife's cooking is amazing, I can smell the spicy chicken from here."
He said, "It's actually your dog."
I said, "Fu*k off mate, my dog can't even cook."
I knocked on the door and said, "Your wife's cooking is amazing, I can smell the spicy chicken from here."
He said, "It's actually your dog."
I said, "Fu*k off mate, my dog can't even cook."
My mate just bought a Pub, and was going to rename it "Prince Charming" or "Goody Two Shoes."
I tried to talk him out of it, but he's Adamant .
I tried to talk him out of it, but he's Adamant .