When joining the French army, you are required to know at least five other languages.
Well, how else will you surrender to occupying forces?
Well, how else will you surrender to occupying forces?
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Ford Capri with sticky hair.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Ford Capri with sticky hair.
It was my birthday yesterday and the wife asked if I wanted a blow job or a hand job.
Thinking that my luck was in, I said, "I think I"ll take the blow job option, please."
The wife replied, "good choice - if you put that many candles out with your hand you would burn your fcuking fingers"
Thinking that my luck was in, I said, "I think I"ll take the blow job option, please."
The wife replied, "good choice - if you put that many candles out with your hand you would burn your fcuking fingers"
A 13 year old lad says to his 13 year old girl friend, "Toss me off".
The girl says "I don"t know how - what do i do?"
The lad says "imagine your shaking up a bottle of coke like when you were younger".
The girl starts doing it and a couple of minutes in, her boyfriend has tears rolling down his cheeks.
The girl says "What"s wrong?"
The lad replies "Take your fcuking thumb off the end of it"
The girl says "I don"t know how - what do i do?"
The lad says "imagine your shaking up a bottle of coke like when you were younger".
The girl starts doing it and a couple of minutes in, her boyfriend has tears rolling down his cheeks.
The girl says "What"s wrong?"
The lad replies "Take your fcuking thumb off the end of it"
Me and two guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the best lover when one guy suggested he had a sound measuring
device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.
We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.
"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."
"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and thedevice measured 98 decibels. Now,what do you say about that?",
"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels.". "128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"
"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was screwing her sister."
device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.
We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.
"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."
"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and thedevice measured 98 decibels. Now,what do you say about that?",
"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels.". "128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"
"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was screwing her sister."
My girlfriend said to me, "I want you to make love to me like they do in the movies babe".
So I slapped her ass a dozen times and pulled her cheeks apart, squeezed her boobs, bit the nips, f'cked her in the ass, half strangled her to orgasm, pulled out and forced her head down and came in her mouth.
It turns out we don't watch the same movies.........
So I slapped her ass a dozen times and pulled her cheeks apart, squeezed her boobs, bit the nips, f'cked her in the ass, half strangled her to orgasm, pulled out and forced her head down and came in her mouth.
It turns out we don't watch the same movies.........
My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.
I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first.
I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first.
Lady in labour, shouting the usual ****, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you ****er!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said,
"fcuk off it"ll be too painful.""
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you ****er!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said,
"fcuk off it"ll be too painful.""
A guy says to his wife, "I"m in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It"s that time of the month, but if you don"t care, I don"t care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69"ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It"s just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I"m sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn"t looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
She says, "It"s that time of the month, but if you don"t care, I don"t care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69"ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It"s just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I"m sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn"t looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
Why are Welsh border collies the fastest of their breed?
They know what happens to slow sheep
They know what happens to slow sheep
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
In dancing shows we have a dance off, in singing the sing off, in skating the skate off.
Can we please have a celebrity show called fcuk?
Can we please have a celebrity show called fcuk?
Liverpool.
The only place in the world where your wallet gets off the bus two stops before you do.
The only place in the world where your wallet gets off the bus two stops before you do.
I bought one of those CD's that teach you Spanish while you sleep. Unknown to me there was a big scratch down it.
Now I'm fluent in stuttering in Spanish.
Now I'm fluent in stuttering in Spanish.
Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.
It's called Not Poodle.
It's called Not Poodle.
There"s a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
Then he turned to Bob and said, "times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she"s going to cut me back to only two times a week - I can"t believe it.
"At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff"s shoulder and said reassuringly, "you think you"ve got it bad, she"s cut some guys out altogether."
One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
Then he turned to Bob and said, "times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she"s going to cut me back to only two times a week - I can"t believe it.
"At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff"s shoulder and said reassuringly, "you think you"ve got it bad, she"s cut some guys out altogether."
When my grandmother lived in the USA she had to take my mother to the circus if they wanted to see a fat lady and a tattooed man -
now they"re fcuking everywhere.
now they"re fcuking everywhere.
Two American women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream.
Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I"ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."
The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don"t see anyone around, now"s your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge.
As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy ****!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says.
"That wasn"t a canoe you pissed in you soft cow, it was your reflection."
Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I"ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."
The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don"t see anyone around, now"s your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge.
As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy ****!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says.
"That wasn"t a canoe you pissed in you soft cow, it was your reflection."