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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15001
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2020
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15002
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2020
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15003
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2020
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15004
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2020
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15005
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2020
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
    The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:
    "Easy, William, we won't be long".
    Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,
    "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there".
    At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
    Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,
    "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
    Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says,
    "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
    "Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I'm William, this little bastard's name is Kevin!
     
    #15006
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15007
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Good to see Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell wearing their masks out in public.


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    #15008
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15009
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in.
    They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea.
    The lorry driver just stood up and walked out.
    The Hell's Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said, "He wasn't much of a man was he?"
    "No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"
     
    #15010
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Try this puzzle.....its amazing......!!!
    This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Goodfellas.....Not sure how it knows but it is my absolute fave film.....it does work....!!!
    Pick a number between 1 & 9
    Multiply it by 3
    Add 3 to that number
    Multiply again by 3
    Add the two digits together and see results below:
    3. Oliver Twist...
    4. Star Wars...
    5. Goodfellas...
    6. Saving Private Ryan...
    7. Jaws...
    8. Grease...
    9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys....
    10. Mary Poppins...
    See......it's spot on.......!!!
     
    #15011
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15012
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Finally, a picture that captures 2020.

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    #15013
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Lidl will open 25 new stores in the UK this year creating 1,000 jobs.

    This will include 7 new checkout operators.
     
    #15014
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2020
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.�
    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer�
    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.�
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.�
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.�
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.�
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.�
    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.�
    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.�
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.�
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.�
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.�
    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.�
    When chemists die, they barium.�
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.�
    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.�
    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.�
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.�
    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?�
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.�
    Broken pencils are pointless.�
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.�
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.�
    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.�
    Velcro - what a rip off!
     
    #15015
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2020
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15016
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2020
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15017
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2020
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15018
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2020
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"
    "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
    "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
    "It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
    He said: "Who the F___ did your hair?"
     
    #15019
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2020
  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15020
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2020
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