"I've seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I'll never know.
"I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet."
"Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning Sunday, and keya, meaning 'fcuking ruined'."
I got arrested in B&Q earlier, I was out shopping with the good wife and she said “go in there and find a Black and Decker”
There’s a wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man walks by and asks, "What's wrong?" the lad says, "It’s me mammy mister she’s dead" "Oh bejaysus," the man says. "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley?" The wee boy looks up with some surprise and replies, "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
Paddy and Seamus are in a boarding house in London writing letters home. Paddy stops writing and says... "Hey, Seamus, how do you spell "dattle"? "Jaysus, sure I've never even heard that word before, how would ya use it in a sentence?" "I said...Dear Ma, please send a woolly jumper dattle fit me" Seamus just about pisses himself laughing and when he finally calms down he says... "It's idiots like you that get the Irish a bad name....there's no such word as dattle, ya feckin gobshite...the word ye want is ...wattle."
