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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8441
    antipodean exile, Dec 14, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8442
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8443
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8444
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
    As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
    “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
    With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
    The first person he showed it to was his wife.
    “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.
    “Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!
     
    #8445
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8446
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8447
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    It Snowed Last Night.

    8:00 am: I made a snowman.
    8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
    8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
    8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
    8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
    8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
    8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
    8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
    8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
    8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
    8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
    8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
    8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
    9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
    9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
    9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

    Moral:
    There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
     
    #8448
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8449
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8450
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8451
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8452
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #8453
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

    But did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through......
     
    #8454
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    You scumbag, you maggot...
    You shagged Diane Abbot

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    #8455
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 14, 2018
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • A drunk stumbles out of a bar and runs into two priests.
    • He runs up to them and says, "I"m Jesus Christ."
    • The first priest says, "No, son, I"m Jesus Christ."
    • So the drunk says it to the second priest.
    • The second priest replies, "No, son, I"m Jesus Christ."
    • The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it."
    • He walks back into the bar with the priests and the bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims,
    • "Jesus Christ, you"re here again?"
     
    #8456
    antipodean exile, Dec 15, 2018
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • What do you say to a Pakistani on Christmas day ?
    • A pint of milk and a loaf please!!
     
    #8457
    antipodean exile, Dec 15, 2018
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Scottish Police today said a third Pakistani was seen going out at the rear of the terminal at Glasgow Airport.
    • Police are pleased to report they got the munt going again with some petrol and wood!
     
    #8458
    antipodean exile, Dec 15, 2018
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Man walks into a shop in Liverpool
    • Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
    • Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
     
    #8459
    antipodean exile, Dec 15, 2018
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat.
    • A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on indicating to him to pull over.
    • As the copper approaches the car he sees the Scouser is slapping the dog`s head.
    • He tells the driver to wind down his window and asks "Why are you hitting the dog?"
    • The Scouser replies, "The bloody thing just ate my tax disc"
     
    #8460
    antipodean exile, Dec 15, 2018
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