1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
    • I missed a Jehovah"s Witness at the front door this morning,
    • which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot
     
    #8205
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
    • Carpenters love your mum ...
    • She"s flat as a board and damn easy to nail!
     
    #8206
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
    please log in to view this image
    upload_2018-11-28_10-16-26.jpeg
     
    #8210
    Wooperts_duck likes this.

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    Nasa's brand new Mars lander has sent back this first stunning image of the surface of the red planet, taken at the end of a terrifying journey.

    please log in to view this image
     
    #8211
    antipodean exile likes this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    I bumped into an old mate of mine today.

    I said, "What are you doing these days?"

    He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss heads and down and outs."

    I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"

    He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"
     
    #8212
    antipodean exile likes this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    Diane Abbot asked Nigel Farage would you kiss me under the mistletoe ?

    He replied I wouldn't kiss you under f*cking general anaesthetic.
     
    #8213
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    I had a ride to the off licence last night on my bike, bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the basket on the front of the bike.

    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off my bike? The bottle would break!'

    So I drank all of it before I cycled home. It turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off my bike seven times before I got to my house.
     
    #8214
    antipodean exile likes this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    Got home from work to find my wife in bed with my mate. In a furious rage, I stabbed him to death.

    My wife said "Carry on like that and you'll have no friends left !"
     
    #8215
    antipodean exile likes this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8216
    antipodean exile likes this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8217
    antipodean exile likes this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

    The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

    ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

    ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

    "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

    "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

    ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

    ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

    ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

    ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

    ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

    "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

    ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

    After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

    "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
     
    #8218
    devonFRATTONiser likes this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8219
    antipodean exile likes this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,409
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8220

Share This Page