Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • The International Council of Man Laws.
  • 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  • 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss"s car. (d) When she is using her teeth.
  • 3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
  • 4: If you"ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
  • 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate"s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  • 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate"s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy"s choice.
  • 7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
  • 8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who"s playing.
  • 9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she"s officially your girlfriend.
  • 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you"re sunning on a tropical beach ... and it"s delivered by a topless model and only when it"s free.
  • 11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
  • 12: Unless you"re in prison, never fight naked.
  • 13: Friends don"t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
  • 14: If a man"s fly is down, that"s his problem, you didn"t see anything.
  • 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
  • 16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  • 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that"s just greedy.
  • 18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you"d better be talking about his choice of beer.
  • 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she"s withholding sex pending your response.
  • 20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
  • 21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
  • 22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you"re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
  • 23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
  • 24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
  • 25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you"d know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story. 26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men"s Gymnastics. Ever.
  • 27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are "spit roasting" a woman.
  • 28: We"ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: * "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" * "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You"re next fatty!" I hope this clears up any confusion,
  • The International Council of Man Laws
 
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died...I'm married to his widow!".
 
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This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.
 
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My Rezimay

Deer Sur,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the
Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do
Sum Acounting 2. I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole
Person. Pepole really seam to respond goodly to me.
I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2
Complikaited. My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a
Job Bcuz of my persinalety.. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want
To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser. Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me

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True story:

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars,
£5 for busses.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £360 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds!...

.....And no one even knows his name
 
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