Off Topic Jokes thread

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10 priests are killed in a coach crash and all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time.
St Peter looks at them and says "If any of you are *****philes you can go to hell"
9 of the priests turn and slowly start walking away.
St Peter shouts out "Oi! You can take the deaf cnut with you an'all"
 
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing.

By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof." he replied!!..
 
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  • A husband walks out of the bathroom naked and starts to climb into bed.
  • His wife gives him a pained look as she says, "I have a headache."
  • "That"s okay," he replies,
  • "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin.
  • Would you like it orally or as a suppository?"
 
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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What’s your name and address?”
“I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.”
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
“I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
 
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