Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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Scientists have predicted that by the year 2025 no-one will be more than 12 feet away from a former Leeds United manager.
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Paddy got a job as a Bus Driver and on his first morning he just sat at the Depot waiting.
The Bus Inspector came over to see and asked what the problem was.
Paddy said, "l'm waiting for the Ticket Conductor."
The Bus Inspector informed him that all the Buses were now One Man Buses.
So Paddy drives off in the Double Decker Bus.
Twenty minutes later there is a call to the depot "one of your buses has been involved in a traffic accident."
The Bus Inspector goes down to the Crash and there is Paddy and the Wrecked Bus.
Bejesus Paddy, "How did this happen?" Asked the Bus Inspector.
Paddy shrugged his shoulders, and said.....
"F*cked if I know. l was Upstairs collecting the Fares at the time."
The Bus Inspector came over to see and asked what the problem was.
Paddy said, "l'm waiting for the Ticket Conductor."
The Bus Inspector informed him that all the Buses were now One Man Buses.
So Paddy drives off in the Double Decker Bus.
Twenty minutes later there is a call to the depot "one of your buses has been involved in a traffic accident."
The Bus Inspector goes down to the Crash and there is Paddy and the Wrecked Bus.
Bejesus Paddy, "How did this happen?" Asked the Bus Inspector.
Paddy shrugged his shoulders, and said.....
"F*cked if I know. l was Upstairs collecting the Fares at the time."
My wife came into my shed yesterday, "you're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!'' She said.
It was at this point that the Slap-a-twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong.
It was at this point that the Slap-a-twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong.
Don't get all the criticism of Dennis Skinner... I mean he's a true socialist, sat on his arse for decades doing nothing and lived off the state. What's not to like?
Roses are red
Violets are blue .....
Violets are blue .....
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Preparations well underway for the funeral of IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad.
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I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer for the past 20 years.
So I was sad not to get one this year.
First my gran dies and now this........!
So I was sad not to get one this year.
First my gran dies and now this........!
Jeremy Hunt announces new plan to reduce burden on NHS by asking Daniel Sturridge to retire.
- So, it was the Queen and Prince Phillip"s 60th wedding anniversary not so long ago.
- Imagine that, a German woman married to a Greek for 60 years.
- She must have an butt like a broken catflap.
- A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide.
- One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing."Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
- "But aren"t you newly-weds supposed to be into something else?"
- "Yes, but she"s got gonorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish"
- A few hours later, "I understand, but that"s not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she"s got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..."
- The following day: "Sure, but that"s still not the only way to have sex.""Yeah, but she"s got pyorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..."
- Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I"m not sure why you"d marry someone with health problems like that."
- "It"s "cause she"s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."