Off Topic Jokes thread
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You Just Can't Win:
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show:
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says. "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" He asked.
She said. "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said.
'Not well suited for bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show:
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says. "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" He asked.
She said. "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said.
'Not well suited for bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"
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Image captured by Artemis II from the dark side of the moon... It looks like even the aliens
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know it...
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Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his tackle sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With tears in his eyes he replied. I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse....
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his tackle sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With tears in his eyes he replied. I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse....
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I’ve just written a book about sandpaper.
It’s a work of friction....
It’s a work of friction....