Off Topic Jokes thread

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3 blokes go to Heaven, as they get to the gates, God says to them "your quality of vehicle for up here is going to based on how well you treated your wife"
So man number 1 says "I never ever cheated on my wife!" So God gave him a Lamborghini
Man number 2 says: "I only cheated on my wife a tiny bit" So God gave him a used car
Man number 3 says: "I’m sorry Sir, I cheated on my wife all the time" So God reluctantly chucks him the keys to an old motorcycle
After they all receive their vehicles, Man number 1 is seen crying his eyes out, God asks him "what’s the matter? You’ve got the best vehicle of all!" He replied "I've just seen my wife over there on bloody roller skates"

 

3 boys are talking in the playground.
The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world."
"How do you know that?" Asks the other boys.
"Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies.
"That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!".
"That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council. He finishes work at 4.30 and he's in the house for 2.00pm."

 

I took the wife to an art gallery today, she was looking at picture when she said, "I suppose this monstrosity is what you call art."

I said, "Nope, that's a mirror!"

 

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