A mother said to her daughter on her wedding day, "the way to really turn a man on is to nibble his ear lobes."The daughter replied, "no, mum, I think that"s bollocks."
For Dads there is Fathers Day, For mothers there is Mothers Day, For Lovers there is Valentines Day but for Wnakers there is Palm Sunday
In front of the congregation the minister high up in his pulpit produced two glasses.Into both he placed two worms.In one glass he poured water and into the other he poured whisky. In the water glass the worm swum about quite happily. In the whisky glass the worm wriggled for a short while then died ."Now members of the congregation....Can you tell me what this means!" A voice echoed from the rear of the Church. "If you drink whisky, You won"t get worms!"
I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I turned it into wine.
Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work, so he approached his assistant! "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic so I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!' "Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes and sent her to Spec Savers.”
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
Was standing behind Harry Redknapp in Boots this morning and he asked for some shampoo. The girl said " Pantene?" Old Harry replied " fack me, that's cheap I'll have two "
Shortly before he died my bed-ridden great uncle had his back coated in a thick layer of lard to alleviate the discomfort of bed sores. Sadly, after that, he went downhill rapidly.
I've just seen an article about a female pornstar that gets $18,000 to do anal. I now feel sorry for my girlfriend - she doesn't even get a warning.
