Teacher says to little Johnny "For the last two years you have been bringing me a big bag of raisins every week, why have you stopped?" and little Johnny says "My rabbit"s dead miss"
I went out on the piss last night and pulled a georgeous bird. We made love several times before falling asleep in each others arms. When I woke up though I had the shock of my life. She had put on 5 stone during the night.
I dress up as Elvis Presley to carry out my armed robberies. Because by the time the police arrive, I've left the building.
A lady who lived on a hill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil
An old man took his wife to the doctor"s. After a short examination the doctor said, "I"m afraid your wife"s mind has completely gone!". The old man replied, "I"m not surprised. She"s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 45 years."
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden) A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do… Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in > Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and > make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
