It's going to take 4 years to get Big Ben up and running again, ridiculous considering they're working around the clock.
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wants me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work and she told me to **** off and slammed the phone down on me! Something tells me she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I phoned my bosses mobile this morning. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What?" He answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's 5 o' clock in the f*cking morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled, "F*CK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my Life.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a safari tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
I went to see the RED ARROWS yesterday. There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
I have now been asked so many times if I remember where I was when Diana died that I'm beginning to think I'm a suspect."
I don't agree with Vodafone's advertising campaign. It states, "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community" Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the f*cking Gypsies!
An Octopus goes into a bar and says, "I can play any musical instrument going!" Someone gives him a guitar which he plays like Hendrix. Then someone gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says, "what's wrong, can ye no play it?" The Octopus says, "play it? I'm gonna f*ck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"
Transfer window now closed. Many Liverpool fans will be disappointed that they didn't get Bale. But they'll be back in court again on Monday to try again.
Got pulled over by the police last night. He said, "Sir do you know your car was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry officer but I've drunk ten pints up the pub and feel a bit pissed." He said, "That's no excuse to let your wife drive!"
I hate it when people speak to you as if you're a thicko or something. Only yesterday I was in the shop buying my first ever telescope when the salesman said, "whatever you do, don't look at the sun through it." As if I am going to try and read a f*cking newspaper through a one and a half thousand zoom lens. Anyway the skies are blue and I'm just going to get a closer look at that big old yellow planet shining brightly in the sky!
WILMSLOW CUSTODY SUITE 2:31AM Name? Erm......Wain Full name? Wain Rooooni Date Of Birth? Cant remember Address? No its a hoody Sex? Er yes please. How much will it be? Ethnicity? Errr...... can i phone a friend??? please log in to view this image
After scoring for Brazil, here's Coutinho arriving back at Melwood........ please log in to view this image
I was stood outside the school dropping my son off earlier when a mother started crying beside me. "Are you ok?" I asked. "It's my daughters first day," she said."I'm just worried that she won't fit in because of her weight." "Well the doors are a little narrow," I replied.
