Off Topic Jokes thread

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How a man withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away
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How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7) Insert card
Hit cancel
9) Hunt in purse for **** with PIN written on it
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
18) Take ATM card
19) Back 2 car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for a mile
24)Release HAND BRAKE
 
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I spent all week erecting a new fence in my garden.
My neighbour commented on my Facebook page that it wasn't straight so I unfriended him.
That's the last time he comments on my posts!
 
I got stopped by a woman in the street yesterday.

She said, "Excuse me sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"

I said, "Yes, he's nearly 3 now."
 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
 
I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shi**y estate and surviving of benefits...

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
 
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A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an E-Type when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage. The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this? The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make £30,000 a year and you make £600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic:
"Try doing it with the engine running."
 
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A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
 
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