Off Topic Jokes thread

As a plane was about to crash a female passenger stood up and Shouts
If I am going to die
I want to die like a woman
Takes all her clothes off
And says
Is there a man on this plane who can make me feel like a woman
A man stands up
Takes his shirt off
And says
Here iron this
 
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Last night I was sitting at home alone when I hear a knock on the front door.
When I open the door, it was two police officers one of them asks if i was married and, if so, can he see a picture of my wife.
I said sure and show him a picture of my wife.
The officer looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
and I said, I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me go to the pub whenever I want to.
 
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Paddy and Murphy who were unemployed decided to go to the mainland to work in the mines in Derbyshire, "But I've never worked in a mine before in my life" said Paddy, Neither have I" said Murphy, "But they don't know that, do they, Its a long way from Wales, so we'll say we've worked in the mines in Wales, they can never check, then we will pick it up as we go along!!" So they arrived at the mine, the manager said to them "Tell me, where have you worked before?" Both together they said" Oh we've worked in the mines in Wales" the manager replied, "Well we've never had anyone from the Welsh mines, tell me, what sort of lamps do they use?" Straight away Murphy spluttered "Oh we never went on the night shift, did we Paddy!!.
 
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I asked my GP if there was anything better than over the counter hemorrhoids stuff as I was trying to avoid the time off work for surgery. She suggested using teabags as a cold compress as the tea shrinks them and soothes some of the pain. I decided to try it, but I only ever use loose leaf tea, but the principle’s the same, so I scooped the leaves out of the cold pot and used a wad of kitchen towel to hold them in place. A couple of week’s later and I’m back at the Doctors. She gets me to drop my trousers and lie on the couch on one side. I hear her draw up her chair, the lights dimmed slightly and she said. “Well, your hemorrhoids aren’t getting any better, but you are going on a journey. You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger.....”
 
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