I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
A woman's dog came in to heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her male dog separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw. "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me." the vet replied.
AN IRISHMAN GOES TO THE DOCTOR WITH BOTTY PROBLEMS.. 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. 'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman 'I KNEW I WASN'T FEELING TWO GRAND
