Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge". Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does that feel?" he asks. "****ing lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday. Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
A Man went to the doctor's office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. 'Why not?' asked the man. 'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor. 'But I need it really bad,' said the man. 'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor. The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.' The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.' On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office... his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?' The man said, 'No one showed up!'
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'. 'F--k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!
We live in a small suburb outside wellington and my Missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited. That night we had the most amazing sex ever.... Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
I bet my local butcher £100 he couldn't reach the sirloin on the top shelf. He refused saying the stakes were too high
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife’s never looked so good!
'' Come on England, Come on England.'' Shouted the wife earlier tonight. Now she's moaning that I've ruined her 'Time's' atlas.
SAINSBURY CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE! Sainsbury's car park . Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!
CATHOLIC HORSES A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'. The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
An effeminate bloke (Mary) dressed in drag went into the early-house down by the docks one morning. As he approached the bar, struggling to keep his balance in the high heels, the barman shouts out to Mary: “Oi, we don’t serve your kind in ‘er, off with ya”. Mary looked gutted but persisted and pleaded with the barman to serve him…”honest just one pink gin and I’ll be on my way”. The barman looked around and as bar was empty he decided to just serve one drink to Mary….”when you get the drink, drink up and get out, alright?” Mary gets the drink anyway and proceeds to sip on the pink gin, sitting in the dark corner of the dank public house. After a bit, a horse of a man with a big beer gut stormed in, his beer belly testing the dirty string vest he wore despite the morning chill. He had been working one of the engine rooms on the boat which moored close by. As he approached the bar he called out the barman “Hey Mick, pour me an ale quick! I’m so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a bull’s balls!” Just then a “moo”sounded from that dark dank corner.
Steve Parish was outside Sainsbury's at Selhurst today, and saw an old lady struggling out with six heavy bags. Being a kind-hearted soul, he went over to her and said "Are you alright, love? Can you manage?" "F*ck off", she said, "I wouldn't touch the job with a barge pole".
might have put this on before worth a repeat . A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . ....... > . > . > . > . > . "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old landlord says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the landlord serves up four frothing pints of bitter and says, "That'll be 10p each, please." The four guys stare at the landlord for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints and order another round. Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the landlord again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of Bitter as good as this for a 10p a pint?" "I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, spirits, beer. It's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the landlord, "What's with them?" The landlord says, "They're retired people from Scotland.. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends...Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said.. 'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her! She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
