Catholic girl went in2 confession and said to the priest, "l'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied, "Because I swallowed the first"
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
Dad cooks a deer but doesn't tell the kids what it is. "I'll give you one clue" he says. "It's what your mother calls me". The kids start screaming and one yells "EWWW...IT'S A ****ING DICK! DON'T EAT IT!"
A young sperm gets ready for the first jump. Minus three,two,one jump. He starts swimmimg but gets lost so he asks a veteran: "how far are the ovaries ?" And the veteran replies:" ooh ! Its a looong way, we just passed the tonsils..."
I found my nan dead in bed 2day. I was gutted. I put my arms around her & held her, tears running down my face... As i held her i noticed she was naked i n her bed! I got kind of turned on & ended up ****ing her.... Just as i was about 2 cum in her arse she shouted BOO!!!.... What sort of sick twisted **** pretends 2 be dead? 4 **** sake
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk, Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply, So,they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away, No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to talk to the Vet. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side. The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering for a while, he asked, "Did you by chance, purchase this cow from Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that they had brought the cow from Scotland . "You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland ?" The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye, "My wife's from Scotland "
Nigella Lawson, a beautiful wealthy woman, a brilliant cook, who now admits to doing drugs. ****ing hell Nigella, us men only need to find out you're an alcoholic who takes it up the arse, and we have found the only perfect woman.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Thinking of getting meself one of those new Man Ure lamps, they look great in the middle of the table.
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'? The woman looks at him blankly He sits back and thinks up another line.. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'? The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?' 'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".
- Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his shop, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew A picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
