Off Topic General chat

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Bri said:
It’s Father’s Day today, so here’s a big list of jokes to make your dad laugh:
1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
13. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
28. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
29. I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
30. If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
31. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.
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I mean I am a dad so I do qualify but those are some great jokes to me.

This weather eh, beautiful. There will be some walking lobsters tomorrow.
 
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rooch 3 said:
Aye once he took her up the oxo tower it took her to heights she hadn't imagined.<laugh>
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She will still be robotic, analed, tongued or whatever, this woman suits her hubby but is ****ing useless at the simple basic stuff. Waited her moment to pounce <laugh>, a typical example and a leader to many others that have got places in life without knowledge of the job or hard work to even be a quarter of the way..
 
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Vincemac said:
I believe nowt
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Report: Sunderland targeting Guillermo Varela, David Moyes' first Manchester United signing
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Sunderland AFC ground before the Premier League match between Sunderland and Leicester City at the Stadium Of Light, Sunderland, England on 3 December 2016. Photo by Ian Lyall.
CHAMPIONSHIP
Sunderland not in the race to sign Manchester United defender
by ADAM ALLCROFT on JUN 26, 2017 0 COMMENTS
Sunderland AFC ground before the Premier League match between Sunderland and Leicester City at the Stadium Of Light, Sunderland, England on 3 December 2016. Photo by Ian Lyall.
Sunderland are not in the race to sign Manchester United’s Guillermo Varela according to a report from the Sunderland Echo.
The Black Cats need to strengthen their squad to make sure they return to the Premier League at the first time of asking and with them being one of the biggest clubs in the division following their relegation, there are always going to be a lot of reports on who they might sign. The latest reports suggested that Sunderland were interested in signing Varela, a Manchester United defender who has struggled to break into their first team and spent last season on loan with German side Eintracht Frankfurt.

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This report suggested that Sunderland had been looking at the player and were considering making a move for him. Varela was set to only cost £1m because he only has one year left on his contract, being a potential bargain in a summer where a lot of money is going to spent in this league.

But while this move might have made some of the fans happy, it doesn’t seem to be happening as this report from local media has said that the club are not interested in signing Varela and are happy with their right-back situation. Currently they have Billy Jones and Donald Love who can play in that position and while whoever becomes their new manager might change their mind, those two are good enough for the current people in charge to not think about recruiting new players in their position.
 
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