Funnies
- Thread starter Resurgam
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CATHOLIC HORSES
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing
his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing
his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
My girlfriend says that having a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.
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Having studied this picture at length I have come to the conclusion
that the brickwork is in serious need of re-pointing
COLIN THE ABORIGINE
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche AND a Rolex AND some stock options?’
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said...........
‘I want the name of the bas*ard who pushed me in.’
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche AND a Rolex AND some stock options?’
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said...........
‘I want the name of the bas*ard who pushed me in.’
My wife just came in and said, "I don' t know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - because when you're coming, you look like a f***ing goat trying to whistle!"
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - because when you're coming, you look like a f***ing goat trying to whistle!"
5 Rules to remember in Life:-
1. Forgive thine enemy, but remember the bastard's name
2. Money does not buy happiness, but it is more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again
4. Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk
1. Forgive thine enemy, but remember the bastard's name
2. Money does not buy happiness, but it is more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again
4. Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk
Peterborough City Council has cancelled the Nativity play this year.
"Problem finding a virgin?" enquired a local reporter.
"No, couldn't find any wise men"
"Problem finding a virgin?" enquired a local reporter.
"No, couldn't find any wise men"
An Australian, an Irishman and a Southampton fan are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it's Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Southampton fan who says................ 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.â
Sure enough, it's Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Southampton fan who says................ 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.â
I was walking through town this morning when I saw a man dressed as Santa.
Then I heard a young boy say to his Dad:
"If Santa is selling the Big Issue it's not looking too good for my Xbox is it!"
Then I heard a young boy say to his Dad:
"If Santa is selling the Big Issue it's not looking too good for my Xbox is it!"
I walked into a fancy dress shop and asked for a vampire outfit. The assistant came back with a full Man. Utd. kit.
I said 'I think you misunderstood me, I want to look like a count.........
I said 'I think you misunderstood me, I want to look like a count.........
"After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
"Now ... I have a £750,000 home, a £35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems! "
"Now ... I have a £750,000 home, a £35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems! "
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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