Funnies
- Thread starter Resurgam
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A Muslim athlete has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police suspect it's race related...
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
A new report says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top it can be fatal.
Especially if you mention it to them.
Especially if you mention it to them.
Proof that Men Have
Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
She told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
Friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
Told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
She told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
Friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
Told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A text message sent by Seamus to his wife:-
"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.
If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."
"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.
If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
so I did......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
After being married for 44 years, i took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment,
a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl.
Now i have a £500,000.00 home, a £45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
my wife , being a very reasonable woman, told me to go out and find a hot 21-year-old girl, and she would make sure that i would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.
a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl.
Now i have a £500,000.00 home, a £45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
my wife , being a very reasonable woman, told me to go out and find a hot 21-year-old girl, and she would make sure that i would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
Since my wife's doctor put her on some new medication, our sex life has been amazing! Anal, golden showers, fisting, double fisting, nothing wakes her up!
A London lawyer ran a stop sign in Glasgow and was pulled over by a local copper.
He thought that he was smarter than the cop because he was a lawyer from
LONDON and was certain that he had had a better education than any Jock cop.
He decided to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer, "What for?"
Glasgow cop, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer got out of his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop took out his baton and began to beat the lawyer and then said,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
He thought that he was smarter than the cop because he was a lawyer from
LONDON and was certain that he had had a better education than any Jock cop.
He decided to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer, "What for?"
Glasgow cop, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer got out of his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop took out his baton and began to beat the lawyer and then said,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could
see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and
the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the
matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes
in Washington .
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could
see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and
the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the
matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes
in Washington .
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much is it for all night?"
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much is it for all night?"
My doctor asked me how many times a day I masturbate.
I said, "Usually twice, but today I've had seven."
He asked, "Why?"
I replied, "I got bored sitting in your waiting area."
I said, "Usually twice, but today I've had seven."
He asked, "Why?"
I replied, "I got bored sitting in your waiting area."
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, ?Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.?
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ?You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.?
The man perks up at this..
?So,? the doctor says, ?it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.?
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
?So,? says the doctor, ?have you spoken with your wife??
?I have,? says the man.
?And has she helped you in making the decision??
?She has,? says the man.
?And what is it?? asks the doctor.
?We're getting a new kitchen.?
The doctor comes in and says, ?Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.?
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ?You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.?
The man perks up at this..
?So,? the doctor says, ?it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.?
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
?So,? says the doctor, ?have you spoken with your wife??
?I have,? says the man.
?And has she helped you in making the decision??
?She has,? says the man.
?And what is it?? asks the doctor.
?We're getting a new kitchen.?
£9,000 on a kitchen! my first house only cost £4,000 - If that had been me it would have meant a new willy and a new wife
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