Funnies

Paddy and Sean were fishing on the
Irish shoreline when Paddy
Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had
No matches, he asked Sean for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'
Sean replied with an Irish
Accent, and then reaching into his tackle
Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Paddy, taking
The huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Sean,
'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Paddy asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Sean.

'Could I see him?'

Sean opens his tackle box and
Sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Paddy says,
'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master.

Will you grant me One wish?'

'SURE! I will,' says the Genie.

So Paddy asks the Genie for a Million bucks.

The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving
Sean sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of
A million ducks..... Flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks Paddy yells at Sean,
'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks,

not a million ducks!'

Sean answers,
'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing.









Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

 

Explains why you've not been posting much Maestro. Otherwise engaged.

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding
traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having
found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."


A few weeks later, The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet
in the Wigan area of Lancashire, Billy Higginbottom, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all.
Billy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

 

Sometimes.... when you cry no-one sees your tears.

Sometimes.... when you are worried no-one sees your pain.

Sometimes.... when you are happy no-one sees your smile.


But fart just one time......

 

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Santa Claus has the right idea. visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

By all means,marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'SHUT UP' . - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'



'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot..



'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police




'OLD' IS WHEN...


'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the car park.



'OLD' IS WHEN....

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

 

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the s**t out of them first!"

 

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ' Pierre ! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.

Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her pubes...

He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly, 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!

 

A boat piloted by 2 Muslims has crashed into the Thames barrier.

Police think that it might be the start of Ram-a-Dam

 

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck and the midwife had to pull me out.

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That's how excited I was to see my little brother.

 

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him
pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty,
but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,


"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."


Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

 

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers, here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit it.

 

A very funny video clip (caution: contains strong language)


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=558174697582082

 

The word 'Twerk' has now entered the dictionary with the following definitions:

"TWERK"

1. To dance, predominantly using your bum, usually sexually.

"T'WERK"

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday, 9-5pm