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A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Baby, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says; "I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"
 
MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
 
HOW A WOMAN TAKES A SHOWER

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


HOW A MAN TAKES A SHOWER

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Have a pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
 
A. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!!!

B. WINDOWS Woman: She can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

C. EXCEL Woman: She can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

D. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

E. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.

F. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but is always busy when you need her.

G. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

H. E-MAIL Woman: Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

I. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
 
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost around £499, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'Hell' and you say something with 'Arse'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!"
 
Poshminx said:
Tad sexist on here ?
Click to expand...

I can't see that myself Minxy.


10 Reasons why computers are female

10. When reminiscing about your first one, you wonder how you managed to live with it.

9. Try getting your old one to talk to your new one.

8. When you want it most, it will freeze for no good reason.

7. With the covers off, and up close, they all look the same.

6. As soon as you get one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No-one apart from the creator, understand the internal logic.

4. Even you smallest mistake are committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message 'Bad command or file name', is about as informative as, 'If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you'.


And The Number One Reason

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you spend nearly all your wages on accessories for it.
 
Some motoring terms translated from English into German.


Indicators = Die Blinkenliten tickenfurturnen.

Bonnet = Fingerpincer und knucklechoppen.

Exhaust = Spittzenpoppenbangentuben.

Speedometer = Der Egobooster und linenschooter.

Clutch = Die kuplink mit schlippen und schaken.

Puncture = Der phlatt mit bluddyfucken.

Learner = Die twatten mit elplatz.

Estate car = Der bagzovroom fershaggenin.

Parking Metre = Die schillingpinscher und klockenwurk.

Windscreen Wiper = Die flippenflappenmuckenspreder.

Emergency Stop = Der edbanggenovwindschreen und stoppenkwik.

Gearstick = Der pickensticken fur kangaroohoppen.

Fuel Gauge = Die walletemptyen meter.

Breathalyser = der puffenblow fur pistenarsen.

Seatbelt = Die kinkenklucken frauleintrapper.

Headlights = Der dontdippunddazzlediebastard.

Exhaust Fumes = Der fogundspitz polluten.

Highway Code = Die bestenwiper fur die arsen.

Traffic Jam = Der bluddiefuckindammenblast.

Back Seat = Die schpringentester.

Traffic warden = Der Adolf Hitler.

Policeman = Die gotterdammerung.

Flat Tyres = Der phlattenbludypharts.

Backfire = Die loudenbagen datmakenjumpen.

Juggernaut = Der ****engrossentrucken.

Accident = Der bleedenmess.

Near Accident = Die bludynier schittzenselfen.

Service Station = Der Highway robberen.

Cyclist = Der pedalpushenpillock.

Skid = Der autobahnwaltzen.

Double White Lines = Die overtakundkrunchen.

Accelerator = Der pedal fur die kamikazen.

Footbrake = Die pedal fur stoppen.

Windscreen Washer = Die windschreenschittundmuckenschifter.
 
One for the chaps...but Minxy might find amusing anyway :)

Character Analysis by Sturdy of Urination (check the following chaps to ascertain your own type)

1. Excitable Type = Shorts twisted - can't find hole - rips pants in a rage.

2. Sociable Type = Joins friends in a piss, whether he has to or not. Figures it won't cost too much.

3. Childish Type = Pees directly into the water at the bottom of the urinal - Likes to hear the noise it makes.

4. Patient Type = Can stand for an amazing length of time. Can read the paper with the free hand.

5. Timid Type = Can't go with anyone watching - flushes toilet to make people think he has gone. Come back later when empty to try again.

6. Crosseyed Type = Looks at the urinal on the right, pees into the one in the middle and flushes the one on the left.

7. Noisy Type = Whistles loudly and tries to look over to see how the bloke next to him is fixed.

8. Sneaky Type = Farts silently when pissing.

9. Indifferent Type = Sees all urinals are in use. Pisses in the sink.

10. Clever Type = Uses no hands. Shows off by adjusting tie in the mirror and looks round for admiration.

11. Worried Type = Not too sure what he has been doing lately. Makes furtive, but close inspection of penis.

12. Forgetful Type = Opens jacket - pulls out tie - pisses in pants.

13. Disgruntled Type = Stands for a while - grunts - tries to fart - fails. Gives up and walks out muttering to himself.

14. Sloppy Type = Tell tale splashes on trousers and shoes. Usually leaves flies undone and adjust his balls later.

15. Personality Type = Tells jokes whilst pissing. Has total pronounced control over his farts. Shakes off his drips with a great flourish.

16. Frivolous Type = Pees a stream up and down the urinal. Tries to hit flies and *** butts. This type never grow up.
 
The Glasgow Rangers Manager was approached by a group of backbench Conservative MP's who were opposed to the European Community. It seemed they were looking for advice on how to exit from Europe as quickly as possible.
 
Short but sweet:-

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
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