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Discussion in 'Peterborough' started by Resurgam, Jul 12, 2013.

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  1. Resurgam

    Resurgam Top Analyst
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    Did you hear about the subservient violinist?

    He spent all his time bowing and scraping <laugh>
     
    #261
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  2. Resurgam

    Resurgam Top Analyst
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    The world's worst limbo dancer walks into a bar.................
     
    #262
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  3. oldposhpete

    oldposhpete Well-Known Member
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  4. DMD

    DMD Eh?
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    Dynamo and Derren Brown walk into a bakery. Dynamo palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Derren, I make donuts disappear at will!"

    Derren responds, "Not bad, not bad at all." Derren then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!" Derren proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well.

    He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up. "So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!" Derren responds, "Go check Dynamo's pocket."
     
    #264
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  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.





    He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.





    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.





    The barber replied, &#8220;Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.&#8221;
     
    #265
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know.
    In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

    Beth replied "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason".

    Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Beth said "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

    Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Beth asked "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge". "I recall that" says Chuck.

    "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time". "All right" Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"
     
    #266
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"



    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
     
    #267
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  8. oldposhpete

    oldposhpete Well-Known Member
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    A recent survey suggests that 9 out of 10 men prefer a woman with curves.



    The 10th man prefers the other 9 men.
     
    #268
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  9. oldposhpete

    oldposhpete Well-Known Member
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    #269
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
    The first floor has wives that love sex.
    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
     
    #270
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  11. oldposhpete

    oldposhpete Well-Known Member
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    I was a very contented man. My girlfriend and I had been going out with each other for over a year so we decided to get married.

    There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.
    She was twenty-two, wore very short skirts and was drop-dead gorgeous.

    One day my future sister-in-law phoned me up and asked if I would come over to check the wedding invitations.
    She was alone when I arrived and as we sat down she whispered that she had always had feelings and desires for me that she could
    no longer overcome and told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    With lust in her eyes and in a husky voice she then said, &#8220;I&#8217;m going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling just come up and join me, I'm yours for the taking.&#8221;

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. Standing there for a moment I turned and made a beeline
    straight to the front door, quickly opened it and, as I started running towards my car, I suddenly noticed my entire future family standing on the pavement, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, &#8220;We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.&#8221;



    The moral of this story....




    Always keep your condoms in the car!!
     
    #271
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  12. oldposhpete

    oldposhpete Well-Known Member
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    The Ford Motor Corporation of America is joining forces with French Manufacturers Renault
    to produce a car specifically aimed at the female market.

    It is to combine the chic of the eponymous Renault Clio with the practicality of the Ford Taurus
    and is to be named the 'Clitaurus'.

    It is expected that this car will be hard to steal as the average male car thief will have difficulty finding it.
     
    #272
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
    So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants.......

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

    It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back.
     
    #273
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  14. oldposhpete

    oldposhpete Well-Known Member
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    A group of former school friends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion.
    Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham, because the waitresses had big tits and wore mini skirts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the former chums once again discussed where they should meet for a reunion.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham, because the food and service were good and the beer was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the same old friends again discussed where they should hold a reunion.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham, because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, the remaining friends discussed where they should get together for a reunion.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham, because the pub was wheelchair-accessible and had a lift for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the few remaining old pals discussed where they should meet for a reunion.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham, because they had never been there before
     
    #274
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  15. oldposhpete

    oldposhpete Well-Known Member
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    I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.

    They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

    Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

    Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

    I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”


    That was when the trouble started…!
     
    #275
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.“What are you doing, Mummy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”The little girl replies, “Well, mummy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
    The little girl replies, “Because mummy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
     
    #276
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
    To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
    He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
    At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
     
    #277
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  18. Minxy

    Minxy Just Me
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    There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.

    The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.

    Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00.

    The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

    The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

    Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5, then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

    Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.


    Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

    The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

    Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
     
    #278
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
    A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
    Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
    Amazingly it also works on him and the woman sleeps very soundly for a change.
    The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused.
    He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place".
     
    #279
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexual abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep.
    He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and amongst other things asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep
    "Well its quite simple cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and your in"
    The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question
    "Ah we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and shag it from behind"
    Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it
    "Well it's bloody awkward see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and shag it like that"
    The Student replies "Why don't you shag it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?"
    "Shag it from behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"
     
    #280
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