Funnies

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It
manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the
cat, "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

 

A man walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 calibre pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled,

"Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"


A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

 

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

‘I’m sorry,' St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’

‘That’s cool’ said the Blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’

‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.

‘Which are?’ asked the Blonde.

‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’? The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year’? The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied,

‘I have.’

‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’

The Blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’ St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions’ St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’

The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’ ‘Only twelve’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’

‘Easy,’ said the Blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’

‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’

‘It’s Andy.’

‘Andy??’

‘Yes, Andy,’ said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, turning to the blonde, he asked

‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’

‘Easy’ said the Blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.’


She was allowed in

 

A young man moved away from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

He smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped partially open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

He broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes she placed her hand on his arm and said,

"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now naked, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,

"It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she queried,

"My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 36 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
I have a 24 inch waist. Look at my skin. not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that my ears are the best part of my body?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.....


"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me."

 

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now
(works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last
until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel
better, but don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

So true

 

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town.

After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The Madam takes one look at the old geezers and whispers to her Manager;

"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on these two,
they are so old and drunk they won't know the difference."

The Manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they were walking home one of them says,

"You know, I think my girl was dead."

"Dead?" Says his friend, "why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend replies, "It could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, when I gave her a little love bite. She then farted and flew out of the window...

She took my damn teeth with her too!"

 

Ralph and Edna were both in-patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.”


Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

 

We were traveling by car from Plymouth to Edinburgh.

Being seniors, after almost six hours on the road, we were too tired to continue and decided to stop at a hotel and take a room.

We only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for £200.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I said,

"Although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £200.00 for four hours."

The clerk told me that £200.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that was available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," I said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from London, Paris and Berlin perform here." the Manager said.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows." I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I told him, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. As I didn't have my cheque book, I asked the wife to write the cheque.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this is made out for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £150.00 for sleeping with me." she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."




Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

 

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people Who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those Meetings where someone wants
you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here ' s a little mathematical Formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P
Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+
7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will
take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+
7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with Mathematical certainty, that while
Hard work and Knowledge will Get you close, and Attitude will
get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing That will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people Are where they are!

 

"Hello?"

"Hi sweetheart, this is daddy. Is mummy near the phone?"

"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, daddy says;

"But sweetheart you don't have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with mummy right now,"

(Brief pause)

"Uh, ok then I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to mummy that daddy's car just pulled up."

"Ok daddy, just a minute."

A few min later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it daddy."

"What happened sweetheart?"

"Well, mummy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my god!!! What about your uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think he's dead!"

(Really long pause)

Then daddy says,

"Swimming pool? Is this 01231 485732?"

The little girl says;

"No, I think you have the wrong number."

 

How many Facebook members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar of flamers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-all who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light-bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side
now here are the rules from the male side

these are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!

1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we...

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

 

I went to the pub last night and saw a very fat woman dancing on a table.

"Great legs." I said.


She giggled and said, "Do you really think so."


"Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles this morning.


My next crap could spell disaster.