Friday Joke

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Two women met at the gate to heaven.
What happened to you asked the first
I froze to death, was the reply, What about you.
Oh I suspected my husband had a woman in while I was out for the evening so I went home very early.
I searched upstairs, in the loft, under the bed but no sign so I came down and search the broom cupboard and then was going down into the cellar when I slipped and fractured my skull on the concrete floor.
You fool said the second woman - if only you had looked in the freezer first we would both be still alive.
 
A black guy and a guy from Israel standing at a bus stop. the black guy asks, "what time is the bus due?" The guy from Israel replies, "about 30 minutes, that's privatisation for you".
 
Coach load of girls from a catholic school are killed in a schools bus crash and all line up at the pearly gates to get into heaven. St Peter is at the gates and says “here is a font of holy water, if any of your body parts have ever touched a boy, dip into the water confess your sin then you will be free to enter the kingdom of Heaven. 1ST girl dips her finger in exclaiming “I once touched the end of a boys penis” and in to heaven she goes. 2nd girl dips her hand in “I once touched a boys penis” Then there is a huge commotion at the back and Theresa barges through the crowd pushes to the front then takes a huge mouthful of holy water, swills it around and spits it out. “My apologies St Peter” she says “but I really wanted to do that before Mary washes her arse in the font”
 
YeOldeBlueGas said:
Coach load of girls from a catholic school are killed in a schools bus crash and all line up at the pearly gates to get into heaven. St Peter is at the gates and says “here is a font of holy water, if any of your body parts have ever touched a boy, dip into the water confess your sin then you will be free to enter the kingdom of Heaven. 1ST girl dips her finger in exclaiming “I once touched the end of a boys penis” and in to heaven she goes. 2nd girl dips her hand in “I once touched a boys penis” Then there is a huge commotion at the back and Theresa barges through the crowd pushes to the front then takes a huge mouthful of holy water, swills it around and spits it out. “My apologies St Peter” she says “but I really wanted to do that before Mary washes her arse in the font”
Click to expand...

<laugh>
 
paddy english man, paddy irishman and paddy scots man are talking away.
noone pays attention to the english man cos hes a twat
 
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.
The first one said he was going to piss him off.
He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a ****. (***got)"
"Oh aye really? Hmm! I didna know that."


Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates.
"I told him his St. Andrew was a **** and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."
The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the
Shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite ****!"
"Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no! I will really piss him off. You Just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder
And said...
"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye! So yer pals were sayin&#8217;...."
 
staggie said:
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry
bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the
bowl.

The old Jock says,”Aye, thats as far as I got too."
Click to expand...

You are a fan of The Unit. This joke appeared in an episode of it only it was an Officer and an NCO <ok>
 
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