A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow...... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl. The old Jock says,âAye, thats as far as I got too."
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age. ""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"
Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ` Tell me something both of you have in common ` Husband after a long awkward silence ` Well neither of us sucks cock `
I just missed out on £200 last night in a pub quiz by one point .. reckon it was down to the last question as well .. "Where do women mostly have black curly hair?" Apparently it's Africa ...
What do women and food blenders have in common? They both make great meals but you wouldnt want to lick one out when its on.