Friday Joke

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atom heart mother

atom heart mother

Member
Nov 30, 2011
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Peak District
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to
The store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
nice one.

I#m gonna rack my brains for a few gems later on..... the ale will help remember...
 
I thought this thread was gunna be about Pardew and his comments about challenging the top 4 this season <laugh>
 
A bloke went into the pub with a young crocodile on a lead. The barman went ape, telling the guy to get it out, its dangerous. The guy answered, saying its ok, it does tricks. So he coaxed the croc onto a table, prised the jaws of the crock open, and slipped his dick in the crocs mouth, slowly closing the jaws. The whole pub was agast, then the guys gets a big stick, and smacks the croc across its head and the croc. opens its mouth, and slips the guys dick out with its tongue.

Everyone in the pub cheers, the guy gets free drinks, and said "Anyone else fancy a go"

A lass in a Sunderland shirt says " OK, I'll give it a go, but don't hit me so hard with the stick"
 
A sexually active middle aged woman informed a plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they have become loose and flabby.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery remain secret, and of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation".

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through all this by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from the man in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
 
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

Boom boom.....
 
paddy and mick working on a building site .paddy tells mick he is sick of working in such heat and he is going to get the afternoon off,watch this mick,he climbs up to the rafters and hangs upside down,the site foreman comes in and asks paddy what the hell he is doing,paddy replies im a light bulb,the foreman tells him paddy youv'e got heat stroke pack up n go home, mick starts putting his tools away ,the foreman asks him what he thinks he is doing ,mick replies, well i can't work in the dark can i
 
Man walked into a pub in Sunderland with a parrot on his shoulder, the barman said " Where did you get that " the parrot said " Newcastle there's thousands of them "
 
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a vodka and coke
the bar tender gives him an apple
He said sorry I ordered a vodka and coke
The bar tender says take a bite
To his surprise it takes of vodka
The bar tender says right now try the other side
Jesus it tastes like coke the man replies

The bar tender asks what's it going to be next
He says ill have a larger and lime
The bar tender gives him an apple
he bites one said and he says that tastes just like larger
The other just like lime.

He asks again what's if next then sir
The man thinks carefully and says
Pussy I'd like some pussy
the bar tender gives him an apple
The bloke takes a bite , spits it out and says that takes like ****
The bar tender says 'aye' now try the other side.
 
I'm so naive.... I used to think relative humidity was the sweat on my bits when I'm shagging my cousin.
 
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