classic Iain patter 

The vast majority of Chopin's mazurkas are ghastly, whereas all but one of his nocturnes (15th) are sublime.I much prefer Chopin's Mazurkas to his poxy Nocturnes!
PS; only use this nonsense with 'Made In Chelsea' type swallowers!
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more classic Iain patter 
You know wit Iain i can imagine you having that conversation in the pub on a Saturday night. In fact i can imagine you having that conversation in the pub every Saturday night.Me: name a mode of transport that Phileas Fogg used when he went around the world?
Declan: a hot air ballon
Me: no, you uneducated, fenian bastard, he never used one.
Declan: but it's on one of the covers of the books
Me: is it aye? Well, they are stupid ****s too. I blame the schools.
more classic Iain patter
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I have it with myself everyday.You know wit Iain i can imagine you having that conversation in the pub on a Saturday night. In fact i can imagine you having that conversation in the pub every Saturday night.
Ya tedious tuechter.
even more classic Iain patter 
No ****, Sherlock?I made up “no ****, Sherlock”