Best/Worst joke

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Apparently, 9 out of 10 women who talk to their cats are mentally disturbed.

My dog is full of information like this.
 
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says......

































........."is this some kind of joke"?
 
A vicar went to the Doctor complaining of a lump under his foreskin. The Doctor told him to undress behind the screen. He inspected and pulled back his foreskin.
"It's not a lump" said the Doctor, "its a brussels sprout!".
"Goodness" says the vicar. "I told those choirboys to chew their food properly!"
 
A horse walks into the bar and the barman says......

....."Why the long face?"

A piece of tarmac is having a drink and some red tarmac walks into the bar the black tarmac says "dont serve him he's a cycle path"
 
The wife asked me what i was doing on the computer last night.
I told her "i was looking for cheap flights".
"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un zipped my trousers & gave me the most amazing blow job ever......
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!
 
Just a simple joke (2 words): SEPP BLATTER!!! opps is that racist of me to say that? perhaps he'll just shake my hand and forget all about it
 
Perhaps we can persuade the Americans to stick him on a rendition flight then drop him off in some of the seedier gang controlled places in the US where he can experience some racism...
 
When I worked in Burger King Andrew Lloyd Webber came in and asked for two whoppers I said " Your good looking and your musicals are great"

(thanks Tim Vine)
 
A man walks into an opticians carrying a large box! He places the box on the counter and opens it to reveal an enormous turd!

The receptionist says, "Why have you brought this here? We're an opticians!"

The man says, "Every time I pass one of these, it makes my eyes water!"
 
canary-dave said:
A man walks into an opticians carrying a large box! He places the box on the counter and opens it to reveal an enormous turd!

The receptionist says, "Why have you brought this here? We're an opticians!"

The man says, "Every time I pass one of these, it makes my eyes water!"
Click to expand...


copyright Billy Connolly Dave?
From the album with him dancing in his wellies on the cover if I remember correctly
 
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