Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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Couple were getting married and going off on honeymoon, groom was a bit nervous as still a virgin so booked his best man the hotel room next door as he wanted help if anything was going wrong......... bride and groom were in the hotel room and groom being really nervous was spending ages in the bathroom , bride hammered on the door and asked him to hurry up, she was desperate for a poo, 5 minutes past she knocked on the door again and groom said i will be 5 minutes unable to wait any longer the bride pulled a wedding present box from under the bed and had a poo in it. 5 minutes later the groom came out of the bathroom, so the bride went in to save face. Smelling something funny the groom looked under the bed and shouted honey you have **** in your box........... there was a bang bang bang on the wall and a shout of turn her over mate
 
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.He asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
 
Apologies in advance to anyone of Irish descent <ok>

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
 
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