A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT .'On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
We live in Perth, Australia, and my Missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked in the ass and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Montana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule.” The lawyer asked, “What is the three-kick Rule?” The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Drama in the Serengeti A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah. While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.” The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you that blow job you've always wanted every day for the rest of your life.” The deadly chase was recorded....
James is a photoshop wizard - and here's ample proof http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/03/15/fixed-photoshops-funny/
As it's Easter... Jesus was left to rest in peace after his crucifixion. Then a bunch of Tories rolled the boulder away and told him he was still fit to work.
Irish Road accident. Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir?' More heavy breathing and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .' It's O.A.K ...........
