Talking of which I laid a turd so big the other day it was touching the water before it was fully out of me.
Pretty impressive from the middle diving board I thought
Pretty impressive from the middle diving board I thought
Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2
- Thread starter Resurgam
- Start date
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Young lad starts work in the local Mortuary, at lunchtime he says to the guy in charge " Sad about that cracking bit of crumpet that got drowned"
Boss says " We've not had a drowning in, only a road traffic accident"
Lad "Well if she did'nt drown why has she got a prawn up her fanny?"
" Come and show young man"
Down in the morgue the boy whips off the sheet, points between her legs and says "Just there"
Boss looks at him and says "That's not a prawn, it's her clitoris"
"Well it tastes like a prawn"
Boss says " We've not had a drowning in, only a road traffic accident"
Lad "Well if she did'nt drown why has she got a prawn up her fanny?"
" Come and show young man"
Down in the morgue the boy whips off the sheet, points between her legs and says "Just there"
Boss looks at him and says "That's not a prawn, it's her clitoris"
"Well it tastes like a prawn"
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.
But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.
But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path with the bear closing in on him!.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped, and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' help me!
Time Stopped!
The bear froze!
The forest was silent!
A bright light shone upon the man, and voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to cosmic accident."
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to suddenly count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask
you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right
paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
For what I am about to recieve, may the lord make me truely thankful.......AMEN!
ILD OTBC
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path with the bear closing in on him!.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped, and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' help me!
Time Stopped!
The bear froze!
The forest was silent!
A bright light shone upon the man, and voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to cosmic accident."
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to suddenly count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask
you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right
paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
For what I am about to recieve, may the lord make me truely thankful.......AMEN!
ILD OTBC
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Dave went to the doctors, the doctor said how can I help you?
Dave said, I'm very worried, my cock has gone square!
The doctor replied, you really need to pull yourself round!
ILD OTBC
Dave said, I'm very worried, my cock has gone square!
The doctor replied, you really need to pull yourself round!
ILD OTBC
Dave went up to the pharmacy counter in Boots and asked the assistant for a Condom and two Asprin.
The puzzled assistant considered this for a moment or two and decided it was none of her business, so she went off and came back with the condom and two asprins and handed them to Dave. Dave opened the condom put the two Asprins inside and popped the lot in his mouth and swallowed it.
What the hell are you doing asked the assistant?
Do you know what a condoms for? Yes says Dave it's for ****ing!
Well do you know Asprins are for? Yes says Dave, they're for headaches!
Well why have you just swallowed that lot then?
Because, says Dave, I've got a ****ing headache!
ILD OTBC
The puzzled assistant considered this for a moment or two and decided it was none of her business, so she went off and came back with the condom and two asprins and handed them to Dave. Dave opened the condom put the two Asprins inside and popped the lot in his mouth and swallowed it.
What the hell are you doing asked the assistant?
Do you know what a condoms for? Yes says Dave it's for ****ing!
Well do you know Asprins are for? Yes says Dave, they're for headaches!
Well why have you just swallowed that lot then?
Because, says Dave, I've got a ****ing headache!
ILD OTBC
Apparently according to a survey, 90% of men masturbate in the shower and the other 10% sing.
Do you know what song they sing?
Didn't think so!
Do you know what song they sing?
Didn't think so!
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
Paddy was worried about his daughter's behaviour so he decided to wait until she went out and check her room.
After she'd gone out Paddy went to her room and started to go through her bedside cabinet.
The first thing he came upon was a packet of Marlboro, Oh lord pray for her soul, "she's a smoker" says Paddy.
The next thing to appear is a bottle of Vodka, Oh lord pray for her soul, "she's a drinker" says Paddy.
Next up is a packet of condoms, Oh lord pray for her soul, "she's got a cock"!!!
ILD OTBC
ILD OTBC
After she'd gone out Paddy went to her room and started to go through her bedside cabinet.
The first thing he came upon was a packet of Marlboro, Oh lord pray for her soul, "she's a smoker" says Paddy.
The next thing to appear is a bottle of Vodka, Oh lord pray for her soul, "she's a drinker" says Paddy.
Next up is a packet of condoms, Oh lord pray for her soul, "she's got a cock"!!!
ILD OTBC
ILD OTBC
Woman goes to the doctors and says, you've gotta help me, every time I finish making love with men they call me a "****ing bastard"!
The doctor examines her and says, well there's nothing wrong pysically, would you be agreeable to actually show me?
Sure she says, and without any embarrassment pulls his trousers down and gets stuck in orally, after about 5 minutes she gets up straddles him and gives him good seeing to. Afterwards the doctors says Ok what happens next? Well she says it's round about now I have to tell you I've got VD.
You "****ING BASTARD" shouts the Doc.
ILD OTBC
The doctor examines her and says, well there's nothing wrong pysically, would you be agreeable to actually show me?
Sure she says, and without any embarrassment pulls his trousers down and gets stuck in orally, after about 5 minutes she gets up straddles him and gives him good seeing to. Afterwards the doctors says Ok what happens next? Well she says it's round about now I have to tell you I've got VD.
You "****ING BASTARD" shouts the Doc.
ILD OTBC
Apparently the Klu Klux Klan have bought the film rights to Roots. They aim to show it backwards so it has a happy ending.
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress:
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very….. slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress:
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very….. slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
You little tinker you! Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you pinched that from the mod board!
'Tis funny though, ent et?
A bloke says to his missus, "How do you feel about spicing up our sex life darling, is it ok if I cum in your ear?" "I don't know if I like that idea, won't it make me deaf?" She replied. "I doubt it", says the bloke "I've been cumming in your mouth for years and it ain't stopped you nagging !"
...................................coat !
...................................coat !
You little tinker you! Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you pinched that from the mod board!
'Tis funny though, ent et?
Was too good to leave there for the likes of them mate. It deserved a more appreciative audience
Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Hodgson has just announced his 1st starting X1 for the Euros
Wobinson...Wichards...Tewwy....Wio.....Bwidge...Bawwy....Gewward....Wwight-philips....Wooney....Cwouch & Stuwwidge ?!!
Wobinson...Wichards...Tewwy....Wio.....Bwidge...Bawwy....Gewward....Wwight-philips....Wooney....Cwouch & Stuwwidge ?!!
My wife asked if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
My reply of "Don't worry love,your tits cover it up" didn't go down to well!
My reply of "Don't worry love,your tits cover it up" didn't go down to well!
Farmer's wife is preparing tea in the kitchen when her husband walks in with a duck under one arm, and he says "This is the pig I've been shagging". Confused, his wife says "Thats not a pig, its a duck".
He says "I was talking to the duck........."
He says "I was talking to the duck........."