I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said, that's the biggest cock I've ever laid my hands on,
I said "You're pulling my leg"
ILD OTBC
I said "You're pulling my leg"
ILD OTBC
Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2
- Thread starter Resurgam
- Start date
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A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
It tasted so good.
"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his new friends.
Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well".
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:
"There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said "They’re girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked.
"I’m sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can’t".
The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I’m dying for a smoke."
"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
It tasted so good.
"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his new friends.
Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well".
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:
"There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said "They’re girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked.
"I’m sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can’t".
The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I’m dying for a smoke."
Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.
They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.
When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.
They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.
When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool when Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of nursing became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news."
"The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he’s dead."
Edna replied, "He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool when Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of nursing became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news."
"The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he’s dead."
Edna replied, "He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Doctor : I have some good news and some bad news
Patient : What's the bad news?
Doctor : We've amputated the wrong leg
Patient : What's the good news?
Doctor : The other leg is getting better.
Patient : What's the bad news?
Doctor : We've amputated the wrong leg
Patient : What's the good news?
Doctor : The other leg is getting better.
Doctor : I have some good news and some bad news
Patient : What's the bad news?
Doctor : We've had to amputate both your legs
Patient : What's the good news?
Doctor : The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.
Patient : What's the bad news?
Doctor : We've had to amputate both your legs
Patient : What's the good news?
Doctor : The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.
Welcome to VectisCanary, 
good to have you on here,
Dave and his friend are sitting in the pub garden admiring the sunset.
Dave says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet that I don't know.
His friend looks at him, "What? don't be so daft, you're gotta be kidding!"
Dave says, "No I'm serious, I think I know just about everybody."
His friend says, "I bet you don't know the Prime minister."
Posh Dave? Yeah, I know him alright, as a matter of fact, I'm having
dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?
They show up at Downing Street on Tuesday, David Cameron
opens up the door himself. "Good to see you Dave! Come on in.
Dave's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced he knows
everybody.
A few days later he asks Dave; I bet you don't know David Beckham!
Becks? Sure I know Becks! We used to hang out together in Manchester!
Dave......, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."
"No, really," Dave responds, "In fact, he's doing a photo shoot
tomorrow night. Lets go."
Dave and his friend make their way to an exotic location, and there's Becks.
Becks looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate my next
goal to my good friend Dave here."
The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to
find someone Dave doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Dave is
once again sitting in the pub garden enjoying a pint,
when his friend pulls up in the car park, jumps out of the car rushes into the
garden and says, "I've got it....., I bet you don't know the Pope!"
"The Pope? Sure I know John Paul!"
"You're fluffing lying', Dave! I just don't believe you!"
No I'm not, "I'll prove it to you," Dave says.
So they fly over to the Vatican. Dave's friend stands near the
front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony.
Soon the Pope appears before the massed thousands of people in
the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Dave, standing next
to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Dave looks down
and spots his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the
street to his friend and says, "Hey mate, what's up, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock that you actually do know
the Pope, when the bloke behind me says;
Who's the guy in the frock standing next to Dave?!!!
ILD OTBC
good to have you on here,Dave and his friend are sitting in the pub garden admiring the sunset.
Dave says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet that I don't know.
His friend looks at him, "What? don't be so daft, you're gotta be kidding!"
Dave says, "No I'm serious, I think I know just about everybody."
His friend says, "I bet you don't know the Prime minister."
Posh Dave? Yeah, I know him alright, as a matter of fact, I'm having
dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?
They show up at Downing Street on Tuesday, David Cameron
opens up the door himself. "Good to see you Dave! Come on in.
Dave's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced he knows
everybody.
A few days later he asks Dave; I bet you don't know David Beckham!
Becks? Sure I know Becks! We used to hang out together in Manchester!
Dave......, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."
"No, really," Dave responds, "In fact, he's doing a photo shoot
tomorrow night. Lets go."
Dave and his friend make their way to an exotic location, and there's Becks.
Becks looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate my next
goal to my good friend Dave here."
The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to
find someone Dave doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Dave is
once again sitting in the pub garden enjoying a pint,
when his friend pulls up in the car park, jumps out of the car rushes into the
garden and says, "I've got it....., I bet you don't know the Pope!"
"The Pope? Sure I know John Paul!"
"You're fluffing lying', Dave! I just don't believe you!"
No I'm not, "I'll prove it to you," Dave says.
So they fly over to the Vatican. Dave's friend stands near the
front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony.
Soon the Pope appears before the massed thousands of people in
the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Dave, standing next
to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Dave looks down
and spots his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the
street to his friend and says, "Hey mate, what's up, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock that you actually do know
the Pope, when the bloke behind me says;
Who's the guy in the frock standing next to Dave?!!!
ILD OTBC
Apparently, if a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke!
If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well
If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well
How does a blind parachutist know when he's close to the ground?
His guide dog's lead goes slack.
His guide dog's lead goes slack.
Nick owns a horse stud farm, and one day he receives a phone call from a friend. "There's this dwarf with a speech impediment that wants to buy a horse off of you," says the friend, "so I've sent him around to see you." Sure enough, the dwarf turns up. "The name's Mark, and I'm intherested in buying un of your fine horthes," says the dwarf. Nick asks him, "Do you want a male or a female?" "A female horth", replies Mark. Nick shows him a mare, and Mark asks, "Whut a nith horth. Can I thee her eythes?" Nick picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nith eythes," replies Mark, "Can I thee her teef?" Again, Nick picks up the dwarf... this time showing him the horse's teeth. "Nith teef," replies Mark, "Whut about her eerthes?" By now Nick was getting a little fed up, but he picked up the dwarf anyway to show him the horse's ears. "Nith eerthes," replies Mark, "Now, can I see her twot?" With this, Nick picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and then putting him down. Mark shakes his head and says, "Maybe I should wefwaze that... can I see her wun awound?!?"
First of all, thanks for the welcome Dave. Now where's my complimentary malt?
Patient : I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor : Pull yourself together man.
Patient : I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor : Pull yourself together man.
An American visitor to England watched his very first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.
After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'
'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'
'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'
'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'
'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'
'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'
'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
Irishman carrying a sack. Englishman goes up to him and asks "What's in the sack?" Irishman replies "chickens". "If I can guess how many chickens are in the sack, can I have one?" asks the English guy. The Irishman says "If you can guess how many chickens there are in my sack you can have both of them!"
An inmate from an asylum, rushed into the Laundry next door, raped one of the women and then cleared off.
The Sun headline read:
NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS!
The Sun headline read:
NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS!
3 blokes were discussing what was the fastest thing in he world.
Peter said it was a blink, Jock said it was electricity, and paddy said it was diarrhoea.
When the other 2 asked him why he thought diarrhoea was the fastest thing in the world, he replied,
"On a Friday night after 17 pints of guiness, when I get home, before I can blink and put the light on I've shat myself"
Peter said it was a blink, Jock said it was electricity, and paddy said it was diarrhoea.
When the other 2 asked him why he thought diarrhoea was the fastest thing in the world, he replied,
"On a Friday night after 17 pints of guiness, when I get home, before I can blink and put the light on I've shat myself"
