Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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An English guy recieved news that a long lost relative in Australia had died and left him a farm of about 50,000 acres.
He flew over to Oz and after several flights on light aircraft arrived at the farm which was in the middle of nowhere.
He went into the farmhouse and started to aquaint himself with his surroundings when the phone went.
"G'day mate, Bazza here, your neighbour, I'd like to welcome you to the neighbourhood and invite you to a welcoming party".
"Where's your property?" asked the Pom, "I can't see anything from here".
"No mate, when I say neighbour, I'm your nearest but I'm ten miles away".
"Oh, thanks anyway, but thats a bit far way right now"
"Nonsense mate" says the Ocker, "we're neighbours now, the party's in your honour".
"Oh. I don't know" sas the Pom.
"C'mon mate" says the Ocker, "there's loads of grog, a barbie going, loads of music and later some great shagging".
"No, really" says the Pom, "I'm tired and I don't think I'm up to meeting anyone right now"."
"Oh no mate" says the Ocker, "there's just the two of us!"
 
A schoolteacher in Ipswich asked her class which football team they supported.
"Ipswich miss"
Ipswich miss"
Ipswich miss"
Ipswich miss"
Ipswich miss"
Ipswich miss"
"Newcastle miss"
"Why did you say Newcastle John?" asked the teacher.
"Because my dad supports Newcastle, my Mum supports Newcastle and my sister supports Newcastle" answered John.
"Well thats nonsense John, what would you be if your Father was a thief, your Mother a Junkie and your Sister a Prostitute?" asked the Teacher.
"Well then I'd be an Ipswich supporter" replied John.
 
Man in sex shop " I'd like a blow up doll please"
Shop keeper. "Would you like a Christian or a Muslim"
Man. "Whats the difference"
Shopkeeper. "The Muslims blow themselves up".
 
Bang Bang Bang.................
What are you banging like that for, can I help?
Yes, can you let me out please.
You're already outside..........
Well can you let me In then!!

Bang Bang Bang.................
What are you banging like that for, can I help?
Yes, can you let me out please.
Try turning the handle on your side,
I don't have a handle on my side.

My wife tried to slam the door in my face,
the joke was on her, I don't have a door in my face!!

Courtesy of Spine Mirrinton the well known typing error.

ILD OTBC
 
My Thai girlfriend told me the other day that a small penis shouldn't spoil our relationship.
I told her I agreed with her, but would still prefer she didn't have one.
 
My missus suggested I get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
She didn't take it too well when I gave her diet pills.
 
A very religious Dave is on top of a roof during a great flood.
A man comes by in a boat and shouts get in, get in, before it's too late!!
Dave replies, no, I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.

Later the water now up to his waist another boat comes by,
and again, they request that he get into the boat.
He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a
miracle.
With the water now at chest hight, another boat comes to the rescue,
but he turns down the offer again because God will grant him
a miracle.
With the water now at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder,
and they tell him to climb it, as it could well be his last chance!
Yet, spluttering with water in his mouth, he again turns down the
request for help due to his faith in God.

Later, he arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith, and says to
St Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle, I have been let
down, and I'm pretty pissed off.
St. Peter a bit annoyed replies..........

I don't know what you're moaning about! We sent you three boats and a bloody helicopter.

ILD OTBC
 
If I recall I posted this one on the Snakepit that my 5 year old daughter told me.

What you call a snail on a ship.....

....... A Snailor
 
Good to see you posting jokes again Swindon. <ok>

A Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening,
the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night).
Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the middle of the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car,
put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, because "tonight I'm the designated decoy"!

ILD OTBC
 
A Man walks into bar holding a piece of tarmac and asks the bartender for two whiskeys.
Two? asks the bartender,
Yeah two, replies the man, one for me and one for the road!!
 
Two pieces of tarmac are sat at a bar quiety drinking their drinks when the door is kicked open and in walks a piece a red tarmac, the other two look away and one says to the other, don't stare at him he's a cyclepath.
 
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, &#8220;You&#8217;re next!&#8221;

After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
 
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