My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress. "Give us a twirl," said my wife. The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!
Hollywood Lessons: 1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her .4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. 8. You"re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they"re going to go off, but luckily you"ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. 14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said, "write that down, Mary - it"s better than Dave!"
Mary had a little skirt with a slit right up both sides, And everytime that Mary walked you could see her lovely thighs, Mary had another skirt with a slit right up the front, She didn't wear that one as often.........
A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The Barber smiles at her and says "You"re gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know" she says, "I"m gonna get tits too"
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman. So, an answer to your question. It's probably a bird.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with. He asks the barman "What the f*ck is that?" The barman says "It"s a Moose" The Scottish chap says "Fu*k me! How big are the cats!?
Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.
I went on a date the other evening. I said, "So, are you a vampire?" "No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face. I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"
