Critics are slating the special effects on the latest Star Wars film. please log in to view this image
The shortest video you've ever seen so pay attention... A woman goes back to work after thirty years. Watch carefully, the video is only 5 seconds long, but, you'll get it. If you're younger than 40 years old, you probably won't understand it. http// www.youtube.com/embed/qteu4ld_SCE?rel=0"
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate; when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for over 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis witnesses. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes a woman happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s quite a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change my water supplier I think. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... "ITS A BOY !" I shouted "A BOY !, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel ! Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both taken to hospital; one's in a korma..... the other's got a dodgy tikka. An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He's making land mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well ! Prophets are going through the roof ! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?” Granny replies "Never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?" Wife gets naked and asks hubby "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies "Your sense of humour !" My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. Thank you, I'll get me coat!!
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobster and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a big bag with a couple of nice lobster and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?' 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'
What's got 14 windows but none will ever be opened?? Keith Chegwins advent calendar... Sorry cheggers
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "Okay, son . The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said." Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, " I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the Future's full of ****." A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Bejaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
https://twitter.com/allam_assem Any new chants welcome! (I guess this goes some way to explaining the sausage roll prize in the half-time crossbar challenge)
Six months today, the nights start drawing in winter will be on its way. (Giles cartoon 1950 something).
Is that a Parker pen he's holding in his picture, given by Michael Parkinson when he took out his Sun Life...
