Amusement Thread
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i wondered why i get headaches if thats whats in my head,now i knowRocky,
I've decided to take up petrology to find out what makes you tick
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is matt harrold looking for a new club
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cos he has been out and about today 
Nicked this from the mods forum
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress:
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very….. slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress:
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very….. slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
the english players visited a polish orphanage today.it was very sad to see all those faces with no hope........said ivan aged 6
Embarrassing or what?
I've lived in France for 6½ years and as anyone can imagine have often used the everyday phrase “merci beaucoup” (thank you very much). As some of you may know I have had nurses coming every morning for the last 8 weeks to give me injections and, on more than the odd occasion, I have found myself saying “merci beaucoup” which normally gets a smile. I was informed the other day by Amanda’s boy friend that I need to take care when using that phrase. Apparently “beaucoup” can sound like “beau cul” if not careful with the way the “beau” part of “beaucoup” is pronounced.
And what does “beau cul” mean? - Well, it means “Nice arse”.
So on many occasions I’ve been saying to nurses and other females “Thank you, nice arse”. What is more worrying is if I’ve said it to a male.
I've lived in France for 6½ years and as anyone can imagine have often used the everyday phrase “merci beaucoup” (thank you very much). As some of you may know I have had nurses coming every morning for the last 8 weeks to give me injections and, on more than the odd occasion, I have found myself saying “merci beaucoup” which normally gets a smile. I was informed the other day by Amanda’s boy friend that I need to take care when using that phrase. Apparently “beaucoup” can sound like “beau cul” if not careful with the way the “beau” part of “beaucoup” is pronounced.
And what does “beau cul” mean? - Well, it means “Nice arse”.
So on many occasions I’ve been saying to nurses and other females “Thank you, nice arse”. What is more worrying is if I’ve said it to a male.
Pop over to our "Lighten up have a laugh" thread on the horse racing forum. Plenty of good jokes on there. I'm sure you will find some amusing. Too many to copy over.
These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .
They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
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Wife says to husband. "You only ever want sex when you're drunk."
Husband says. "That's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab."
The wife asked for my help to stopping her sucking her thumb. Was easy enough I drew a cock on it.
Husband says. "That's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab."
The wife asked for my help to stopping her sucking her thumb. Was easy enough I drew a cock on it.
My racing snail's not winning races any more so i decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic, it didn't work, in fact if anything.... it made him a bit more sluggish!!!
3 elderly football fans in Church one day one Arsenal, one Spurs and one Liverpool. The Arsenal fan approaches the priest first. "Father can you ask god when we'll next win a trophy". After a pause the priest replies "god says in 2 years". The arsenal fan sighs "I'll be dead by then" and walks out. Next the Spurs fan approaches the priest "Father can you ask god when we'll win the Champions League" After a pause the priest replies "god says in 10 years". The Spurs fan sighs "I'll be dead by then" and walks out. Finally the Liverpool fan approaches the priest. "Father can you ask god when Liverpool will next win the Premier League". Following a very long pause the priest replies "God says he'll be dead by then"
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The vicar smiles leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "too late pal the paperworks already done"
3 elderly football fans in Church one day one Arsenal, one Spurs and one Liverpool. The Arsenal fan approaches the priest first. "Father can you ask god when we'll next win a trophy". After a pause the priest replies "god says in 2 years". The arsenal fan sighs "I'll be dead by then" and walks out. Next the Spurs fan approaches the priest "Father can you ask god when we'll win the Champions League" After a pause the priest replies "god says in 10 years". The Spurs fan sighs "I'll be dead by then" and walks out. Finally the Liverpool fan approaches the priest. "Father can you ask god when Liverpool will next win the Premier League". Following a very long pause the priest replies "God says he'll be dead by then"
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The vicar smiles leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "too late pal the paperworks already done"
A selection from Oldposhpete
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost around £499, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
----------------------
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'Hell' and you say something with 'Arse'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!"
------------------------------
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding
traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having
found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet
in the Wigan area of Lancashire, Billy Higginbottom, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all.
Billy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
-------------------------------------
When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck and the midwife had to pull me out.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
That's how excited I was to see my little brother.
-----------------------------------------------
When I was a boy my mother would send me to the shops with £1 and I would come back with
5lb of potatoes
2 loaves of bread
4 pints of milk
1lb of cheese
1/2lb of tea
6 eggs
You can't do that now....
Too many ****ing security cameras.
------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
When I went downstairs I found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. What to do, what to do?
Then I remembered - McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
---------------------------------------------------------
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
------------------------------------------
A new report says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top it can be fatal.
Especially if you mention it to them.
----------------------------------------------
When a girl gets a vibrator, it's viewed as a bit of naughty fun.
BUT when a guy orders a 240-Volt Sunbeam Master Pro 5000 latex doll
with 6-speed pulsating vagina, with huge breasts and super-size pink nipples,
elasticised anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional
built-in realistic orgasmic scream surround sound system; he's called a pervert!
---------------------------------
Called round to see my mate today, walked in to find him sat on the sofa with his trousers and underpants round his ankles, knob in one hand, yellow duster in the other and a tin of 'Parade Gloss'
black polish on the seat next to him. "For Pete's sake!" I said, "You don't listen do you, you cloth eared twat, the man on the radio said don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!"
--------------------------------------------------
A stunningly beautiful woman went to see her gynaecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied,"You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes of course I do," she said,
"You're getting Herpes:
Which is why I came here in the first place."
------------------------------------------
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost around £499, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
----------------------
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'Hell' and you say something with 'Arse'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!"
------------------------------
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding
traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having
found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet
in the Wigan area of Lancashire, Billy Higginbottom, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all.
Billy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
-------------------------------------
When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck and the midwife had to pull me out.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
That's how excited I was to see my little brother.
-----------------------------------------------
When I was a boy my mother would send me to the shops with £1 and I would come back with
5lb of potatoes
2 loaves of bread
4 pints of milk
1lb of cheese
1/2lb of tea
6 eggs
You can't do that now....
Too many ****ing security cameras.
------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
When I went downstairs I found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. What to do, what to do?
Then I remembered - McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
---------------------------------------------------------
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
------------------------------------------
A new report says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top it can be fatal.
Especially if you mention it to them.
----------------------------------------------
When a girl gets a vibrator, it's viewed as a bit of naughty fun.
BUT when a guy orders a 240-Volt Sunbeam Master Pro 5000 latex doll
with 6-speed pulsating vagina, with huge breasts and super-size pink nipples,
elasticised anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional
built-in realistic orgasmic scream surround sound system; he's called a pervert!
---------------------------------
Called round to see my mate today, walked in to find him sat on the sofa with his trousers and underpants round his ankles, knob in one hand, yellow duster in the other and a tin of 'Parade Gloss'
black polish on the seat next to him. "For Pete's sake!" I said, "You don't listen do you, you cloth eared twat, the man on the radio said don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!"
--------------------------------------------------
A stunningly beautiful woman went to see her gynaecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied,"You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes of course I do," she said,
"You're getting Herpes:
Which is why I came here in the first place."
------------------------------------------
Another nicked from oldposhpete
"Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres .......
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!"
"Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres .......
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!"