It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Two Chinese exchange students arrive at the university cafeteria for lunch and ask what was available for lunch and were told there were pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs and fries. They each order a hot dog and sit down at a table to eat. After one unwraps the tin foil off his hot dog he looks at the hot dog and asks the other "So what part of the dog did you get?"
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
An American man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Chinese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes." The American replied, "Put on a blind fold." The Chinese man asked, "Where do I get one? The American then said, "Here take my shoe lace."
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshitting' me!" The social worker said: "Yeah, well . You started it".
There was three guys walking down a hill a black guy, a Mexican guy, and a Chinese guy. Then they got kidnapped by a crazy gay guy. He said, "If all three of your dicks add up to 12 inches your lives will be spared." The black guy pulls down his pants and he measured 6 inches, the mexican measured 4 inches and the the asian measured 2 inches. Their lives got spared. Walking down that same hill the black guy said, "You are lucky im black" The mexican said, "You are lucky im Mexican" Then the Chinaman said, "You are soooo lucky I had a boner".
I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but last night she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some Haribo...
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
I went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my Boxers Shorts. The Doctor said, " Ignore them, they're Talking Bollocks"...
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?” Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!” With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”
Take no notice of him. A secretary runs into her Bosses office and says "Boss quick I need to use your Dictaphone" he replies "no you can't, use your finger like everyone else".
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life." The doctor asks, "Can you describe the problem?" "Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work." "Okay..." the doctor replies. "I haven't finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break." "Right..." "Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep." "Well, I don't see what the problem is... " The guy says, "It hurts when I wànk."
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.” “What?” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?” Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.”
