A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present. The next birth day came but this year he didn’t buy her a gift. The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why was he had forgotten this time. The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
Since Dribs isn't going to post the end to this joke: A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything. The heat, the long drive,the bad drivers, thecountry, etc. His wife is getting tired of his depressing talk, so she says to him:"One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife". About half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before he couldblink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's penis off, and throws it out the window. Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't wanthis daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the penis off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter). The observant daughter asks,"Daddy, what was that?" Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh, it was only a . . . uh . . . butterfly". "Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter. "Did you see the size of its penis?"
A commercial aircraft was pushing back from the gate and as the head flight attendant gave the passengers the usual safety demo information regarding seat belts and drop down oxygen etc, she concluded with: "Now please sit back and enjoy your flight. Captain Tracy Winger will talk to you soon after take-off and give you further flight details”. Barry sitting in the 13th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I’d better have myself a strong Bourbon”! When the flight attendant came down the aisle with the bar cart, he said, "Did I hear you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the flight attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "Oh my lord," said Barry, "I'd better have two Bourbons. I don't know what to think, women in charge here and in the cockpit." "That's another thing," said the Flight Attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
As Regan, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titaninc, the order to abandon ship was given as the ship had struck as iceburg. Regan gallantly shouted:"Women and children first!" To which Nixon said out loud:"**** the women!!!" Bill shouted to Nixon in the midst of the chaos:"We don't have the time!"
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'Search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana. I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ...and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. > > She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I playtopless." > > With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, > "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!" > > As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed..." > YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" > > She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. > > The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" > > The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching." > > Moral --- > Not all Southerners are stupid. > Not all blondes are dumb. > But, all men..... are men.
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson... No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes. The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer: When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
There are 66 books in the holy bible, subyract your age(last birthday) from 66, and then add 1950. You will get your year of birth. It's true (Sir Prince Thomas Theory)
Because 1950 + 66 = 2016. All you're really doing is subtracting your age from the current year to get your birth year. Won't work next year without changing the 1950 to 1951.
