That's fairly normal for you, dribs
He missed the ending off where a Nun walks in, slaps Rick and then asks for a chicken sandwich.
Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
-
Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
-
He missed the ending off where a Nun walks in, slaps Rick and then asks for a chicken sandwich.
There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead." -
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell
their answers
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent..'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some
Rudimentary questions
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her
Which ocean is off Canada's East Coast
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in
bed with my motherThat's why I got Bugger All for breakfast
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell
their answers
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent..'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some
Rudimentary questions
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her
Which ocean is off Canada's East Coast
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in
bed with my motherThat's why I got Bugger All for breakfast
My father keeps telling me to carry a donor card.
I told him: "you are a man after my own heart".
I told him: "you are a man after my own heart".
There was a farmer. He had a lot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said, "Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said, "I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"
Bob, Ted and Alice got marooned on an island after their boat hit some rocks, miles away from civilization.
After being stranded for a couple of weeks, sexual tension was high and temptation was impossible to resist. Alice took turns with Bob and Ted and on some occasions both men at the same time. Eventually Alice became so overwhelmed with self loathing and guilt, she crafted a rope out of shrubbery and hung herself.
This left Bob and Ted as the remaining survivors on the island.
As time passed, their natural urges returned. Bob and Ted eventually gave into their sexual desires. Once they had finished tending to their needs they felt disgusted and appalled by their dreadful act. Both men overcome by their guilt decided they had to stop it happening again...so they buried Alice.
After being stranded for a couple of weeks, sexual tension was high and temptation was impossible to resist. Alice took turns with Bob and Ted and on some occasions both men at the same time. Eventually Alice became so overwhelmed with self loathing and guilt, she crafted a rope out of shrubbery and hung herself.
This left Bob and Ted as the remaining survivors on the island.
As time passed, their natural urges returned. Bob and Ted eventually gave into their sexual desires. Once they had finished tending to their needs they felt disgusted and appalled by their dreadful act. Both men overcome by their guilt decided they had to stop it happening again...so they buried Alice.
- May 22, 2011
- 73,755
- 25,682
- 113
Night of Drinking A man and his pet sheep walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my sheep."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the sheep falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a sheep."
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my sheep."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the sheep falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a sheep."
A guy goes into a Scottish baker's. "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?" "That's Madeira cake."..
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”