London

No, Greenock...

 

London docklands

 

2 weeks in London? Are you being punished for something?

It's a ****ing dump with sirens and drills as its soundtrack.

 

Greetings Mr The Dog.

You would be most welcome in London along with all the other immigrants who make this fair city their destination for vacations, bomb attacks and free Council housing.

Should you spurn Greencock and Gerty fancies a trip to the Old Smoke I would recommend the following;

Tourist stuff - we built it and sure as sh*t they came. The London Eye is a decent waste of half an hour or so especially on a clear day. Not been to the Shard yet but you can see my house from the top (not much of a boast as the majority of London & the suburbs can be seen from up there). Let me know when you are there and I will wave to you.

Tower of London and Tower Bridge can be done on the same day, you may also be able to squeeze in HMS Belfast (if that isn't too sectarian for you)

My top recommendations have to be the free museums and galleries, more than enough to keep you going for weeks. My particular favourites would be the British Museum (at least until the next referendum) the National Gallery, Tate Britain (not Tate Modern as that is for Pooves and *****s), and a hidden gem near Baker Street is the Wallace Collection, an eclectic mix of armour, art and stuff.

If you are minted I would suggest eating out at the various venues that over-look the Thames (Tower 42 or the old Nat West building has a posh noshery on the upper floors) and if you fancy an afternoon tea with a fantastic view of the city I'd go for Kenwood House in Hampstead. You could pop into the Gents toilets on the Heath for a BJ from George Michael if you like that sort of thing.

Up high is always a good idea, the Eye & Shard obviously but also try The Monument or St Paul's Cathedral for a good view. Our green spaces are the envy of the world, top tips would be Holland Park, Richmond Park (a bit out of the way though) the Squares of Bloomsbury and Mayfair are a good place to get away from the noise of traffic and beggars.

Theatre Land is ok but unless you can get cheap deals it is horrendously expensive (£300 to take the Groves out for a matinee the other month)

You can eat practically any type of ethnic food you fancy. They say Brick Lane is where you want to go for a curry but I wouldn't take a dump and wipe my ar*e on their table cloths in that part of the world. Don't go further east than Liverpool Street, steer clear of Tottenham, Dalston, Harringey, Harlesden, Brixton, Stockwell etc as the Po-Po shoot on sight. Anywhere Toby has lived is probably best avoided.

Best get used to walking. Driving is not worth it and public transport smells of BO. Walk along the Thames and drop your used condoms in the collection tins of all those "living statue" cnuts on the South Bank.

Try not to get dipped in Oxford Street and don't get in a black cab (Mitch Winehouse, see previous posts) or a mini-cab (unless you like being beaten and raped by Somalian Terries)

Enjoy!!

 

*Big Smoke

 

OLD SMOKE

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=The Old Smoke

But check out Big Smoke on the same site!!!!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Big Smoke

One of the Grove Street Families in GTA: San Andreas. Quite a funny character but as the game progresses you discover that him and another fellow GSF gangster, Ryder are selling and shipping drugs with the enemy gang

Spooky.

 

ragdolled

 

It is called The Big Smoke. Only uneducated ****ers that quote urban dictionary would say old smoke.

 

Only immigrants, dullards, half-wits, pooves and *****s call London The Big Smoke.

 

To be fair, it hasn't been called the smoke (big or old) since the Clean Air Act of 1958

 

What is/was the more common usage, big or old?

 

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I'll have to ask my mum.

 

Build Hadrian's wall back up. That's what I say.

 

And get the Mexicans to pay for it.

 

I like London.

 

Can you phone or text her now and ask her please? Thanks in advance

 

I don't think I've ever heard of 'the old smoke'. Anyway, it's normally northerners who use pejorative terms when describing London.

Some ideas for a trip to London:
Enjoy a stroll around Greenwich Park and pick up some curios at the nearby flea market
View the Elephant Man exhibits at the Royal London Hospital museum
Walk the Jack the Ripper sites (before 8pm in summer and 4pm in winter) and check out the Blind Beggar pub
The Roshan opposite Edmonton police station will dish you up the finest ruby

 

PM me and let's take loads of ketamine in my squat-like flat

Also, don't listen to that sexually-frustrated, fat, kiddy-bothering tee-total mess that is Grave Raper, boozing is one of the best things to do in London

 

You'd send an unsuspecting tourist to Edmonton mate?