Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Huh....just because I'm from Norfolk doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... "these windows would pay for themselves in a year". It's been a year, so they must be paid for, I told him...
It was raining hard and... a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught today?' 'You're the eighth.'
This made me HaveIGotNewsForYou @haveigotnews Review into tennis match-fixing given extra impetus by presence of multiple Brits in Grand Slam semi-finals.
So I went to see my Doctor again . She said " What's the matter now Jasper " ? I said , "it's a bit embarrassing , my penis is orange " She got me to drop my trousers and had a look . " Jasper ,I have never seen an orange penis before , what the hell have you been up to ! " " Have you been to a tanning studio or something " ? I replied " No , certainly not " She said " Have you any , erm , hobbies " ? I replied " Yes I do " She said " can you name any " ? I replied " Yes , I like watching porn , and eating Wotsits " ......
A man came home from his job at the sandwich factory looking sheepish. His wife asked what’s happened? He explained that he got fired for putting his penis in the ham slicer. Shocked, the wife sat down and thought about it. “I suppose they’ll have to get rid of the ham slicer too” she said. Her husband replied, “Yeah they fired her as well”.
AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES. THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE. THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED. THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" . SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT. THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. " THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
Just saw this on twitter Matt White @mattyfwhite If you've been chuffed to see your name on a coke bottle then imagine my joy on every visit to B&Q.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. I said, “That's a nice accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” It's mostly a blur after that
